half dead

Today i woke up in a horrifying realisation that my heart stopped. Literally. It just stopped and didnt want to go on anymore. Half of my chest was paralysed and I could feel my heart squeezed tightly.
I have been surfing internet for hours looking for the answer to my frustration and depression. Afraid of sounding trite, I lost any interest in life. Completely and altogether. And its been for months like that.
People judge me for being depressed, loosing my inspiration and optimism. I cant help it. I feel lost, almost like "Lost in Translation". Nothing brings me happiness, nothing makes me smile, nothing makes me want to struggle, to live and hope, to move on. Nothing is left of me the way it used to be before.
There is the same old question keeping me restless: What is wrong?
Every night is a nightmare of black thoughts. Every morning is a torture. I hope and plan, I do and I am never satisfied. I blame myself for everything and see no way out of the misery.
I live in the country where people never smile. I love people who think I am lazy and pathetic.
I hate myself for wasting my time. I hate myself for not struggling. I hate myself for loosing. I hate myself for becoming a vegetable. I hate myself for not being what I can be.
But most of all I hate myself for being weak, especially when I was born to be strong.
And in this black horror of my never-ending depression there is my hope. My only light, my oxygen and my sun. Its my Italia. So maybe I havent lost all my hopes, because my main passion is still living within me, strong and unbreakable. Unless my love is broken and lost, I will breathe on and make my hurt heart go on, even when it seems its your last morning.