Happy New Year!!!

Dear friends,

I wish you a very Happy New Year, which I hope will bring you a lot of luck:)
Be well and dont forget to smile!!!

Love,
Anna

my poems

Since some of my fiends wanted to read my poerty - here it is, though not all of it, but only the poems which have previously been posted in my journal:

В пепельно-белых кроссовках
В старой потертой избе
Жизнь меня вновь заключила
Ключ снова вверив тебе.
Холод, железо оковы
в мою впивается плоть.
Ты, как безумный сторож,
их крепко и туго зажмешь.
Блеск твоего острого взгляда
как пуля сквозь сердце пройдет.
Мне холод и вечную сладость
оставит навеи твой лед.

Валентинка

не красную розу, не сердце из шелка,

а лук я дарю -
Луну в облачении жесткой бумаги,
тот свет, ускользающий снова во тьму.

Бери.

И лук ослепит тебя слезами счастья,
раскроет тебя...

Так? Ведь я же правду говорю?

Не милой открытки ванильные ноты -
Я дарю тебе Лук.

Его поцелуй обжигающе-страстный
есть отпечаток того, что в сердце храним
сейчас и навеки.

Возьми его.

И желтые кольца его мы
с радостью детской в обручальные превратим.

Лук, рассекающий души,
разрезаешь ножом.


Далеко-далеко, по ту сторону ночи,
на большом растояньи
я в мечтах о тебе.
Лунным светом залитые очи
закрываются снова во сне.
Как приятно.
А может быть горько?
Как позволишь мне это назвать?
Мои песни в убогой каморке
не желаешь услышать и внять?
Я пою - лалала. Ты не слышишь?
Ну, пожалуйста, я же пою...
Закрывая глаза, я увижу те долины,
что во снах прохожу.
Я иду, спотыкаясь и плача,
и неровно шагаю - лечу!
Мое сердце разлуку оплачет,
но вернувшись, поставит свечу.
Я влюбленная, ты это знаешь,
но не сетуй на глупости слов.
Все слова - лишь беззвучные буквы,
очертания смутные из лунных снов.

nothing in my way

Like in Keane's song: Its just another day and nothing in my way...
The past week has been very successful for me: I had to hold two presentations, one in International Marketing Strategies and another one in Company Project. Both presentations went well, very well, actually. I have to admit I was extremely nervous about them and could not sleep a couple of nights. As I have mentioned before, I am the manager in the Company Project, so last week had to make the 1st serious human resourse decision and fire a person who, to my mind, was not properly doing his work.

After the hard part of the week, decided to award myself with a day of full rest and went to Göttingen. Its a university town, very nice and very German in every sense, unlike Kassel. There you can see the tiny streets full of flowers, typical German houses, German pubs and students. There is an immense number of students and therefore bykes, parked everywhere! Göttingen is included in the number of the best universities in the world. And I am proud to say that one of my Economics Professors on Competition Policy is from the University of Göttingen.

As I have mentioned before I go to the gym, called Fitness Company, here. Funny fact, one of my professors (two German courses that I am taking)goes there with me. She also attends Competition Policy with me!

I feel relieved and happy these days! Mostly because I got myself a Christmas present - a Mango dress for the New Years!:) Now even Germans who talk to themselves seem to be funny and not annoying:)

home sick part 2 "depression" act 1

Last night I woke up with a strange fear that I have never had before: the fear of not getting back home, being destined to spend an eternity in Kassel. That was the worst horror dream I have ever had in my life. I started crying. No, actually weeping, like a little helpless baby without a mommy around. I felt so deserted, so unprotected that I couldnt help myself and kept on crying in the pillow, so none of my neighbours would know that I am weak.
Of course, I cant be weak! Not me! There are so many plans and projects. So much to want... and yet I dont want anything from life! Life here emptied me like nothing esle.
Every night I dream about my parents, dream about how I am gonna kiss them and be with them for only 10 f*ing days! I dream about my friends and remember the time that I spent with them, my happy moments of the past life in Russia and the time in America.
Why am I so unhappy here, if I was very happy in America, where I had pretty much the same problems and even worse life conditions. What was the key factor? Why is Germany so "foreign" to me? Is it something thats wrong with me, or..?
Also this damn f*ing bloody project, where I am the manager, which makes me responsible not only for the work being done, but for the people issues as well. Why the hell do I have to "encourage" someone to work? Nonsense! Is that me that I am so hard-working and motivated or others are lazy? Why do I have to make someone work? And I hate that, because it keeps me awake at night, every night until 5 in the morning, when I know that I have to rest, because I have to get up in 2 or 3 hours!
Is that not a prison? Tell me! Is that your dream? Well, then its my nightmare.

Все отнято: и сила, и любовь...

I guess there are no other means of explaining how I feel but Russian poetry. I would like to make a statement: I loved Russia, I love Russia and I always will. Whatever happens my heart will belong to this place. I dont care what people say, I dont care if someone doesnt like it as much as I do, or judges it for the past or for the present.
I miss you, my lovely, my adorable, my greatest in every way country. I miss its kind, honest people. I miss my family.

Все отнято: и сила, и любовь.
В немилый город брошенное тело
Не радо солнцу. Чувствую, что кровь
Во мне уже совсем похолодела.

Веселой Музы нрав не узнаю:
Она глядит и слова не проронит,
А голову в веночке темном клонит,
Изнеможенная, на грудь мою.

И только совесть с каждым днем страшней
Беснуется: великой хочет дани.
Закрыв лицо, я отвечала ей...
Но больше нет ни слез, ни оправданий.

-Anna Achmatova

home sick

German television is killing me: Alles ist möglich, Toyota. Ja, wahrscheinlich...
German language is annoying and sounds komisch to me: Ach so!.. Ja, genau!..
German people are full of prejudices, even those who are not from a village-like small towns like Kassel. Where does that come from?
Where did the elderly people get that Gewöhnlichkeit to stare at you in that manner as if you are dressed up as a whore? God damn it! I wanna go home and not hear this language, not see these people, their clean streets and their ugly 1950s buildings and not listen to their hässlig musik. Sometimes I feel like I am in a cage and there is no way for me to get out of it. I cant breathe!
Sometimes, I have a feeling of being a puppet and I can almost feel other people watching me just out of curiousity and playing with me from time to time, just for fun. I feel there's nothing real left around me, around my own personal world.
Every day, I am being critisized, ignored, laughed at by people who dont matter to me. And those, who actually do, are out of my reach. I dont talk to them for weeks, I dont see them for months. And I am dying. In cold Germany, where it never snows. And it kills me too.
I turned into one of them. I get up every morning and do everything according to their schedule: I study, I work, I eat, I work out, I meet friends and I am a robot. There is nothing left of Anna, seeking for inspiration and art, in love with nature and horses. I am a robot and I am programmed to stay alive in the land where everything seems to go against my life style and makes me adopt to the one I cant digest.