home sick part 2 "depression" act 1

Last night I woke up with a strange fear that I have never had before: the fear of not getting back home, being destined to spend an eternity in Kassel. That was the worst horror dream I have ever had in my life. I started crying. No, actually weeping, like a little helpless baby without a mommy around. I felt so deserted, so unprotected that I couldnt help myself and kept on crying in the pillow, so none of my neighbours would know that I am weak.
Of course, I cant be weak! Not me! There are so many plans and projects. So much to want... and yet I dont want anything from life! Life here emptied me like nothing esle.
Every night I dream about my parents, dream about how I am gonna kiss them and be with them for only 10 f*ing days! I dream about my friends and remember the time that I spent with them, my happy moments of the past life in Russia and the time in America.
Why am I so unhappy here, if I was very happy in America, where I had pretty much the same problems and even worse life conditions. What was the key factor? Why is Germany so "foreign" to me? Is it something thats wrong with me, or..?
Also this damn f*ing bloody project, where I am the manager, which makes me responsible not only for the work being done, but for the people issues as well. Why the hell do I have to "encourage" someone to work? Nonsense! Is that me that I am so hard-working and motivated or others are lazy? Why do I have to make someone work? And I hate that, because it keeps me awake at night, every night until 5 in the morning, when I know that I have to rest, because I have to get up in 2 or 3 hours!
Is that not a prison? Tell me! Is that your dream? Well, then its my nightmare.