Today i woke up in a horrifying realisation that my heart stopped. Literally. It just stopped and didnt want to go on anymore. Half of my chest was paralysed and I could feel my heart squeezed tightly.
I have been surfing internet for hours looking for the answer to my frustration and depression. Afraid of sounding trite, I lost any interest in life. Completely and altogether. And its been for months like that.
People judge me for being depressed, loosing my inspiration and optimism. I cant help it. I feel lost, almost like "Lost in Translation". Nothing brings me happiness, nothing makes me smile, nothing makes me want to struggle, to live and hope, to move on. Nothing is left of me the way it used to be before.
There is the same old question keeping me restless: What is wrong?
Every night is a nightmare of black thoughts. Every morning is a torture. I hope and plan, I do and I am never satisfied. I blame myself for everything and see no way out of the misery.
I live in the country where people never smile. I love people who think I am lazy and pathetic.
I hate myself for wasting my time. I hate myself for not struggling. I hate myself for loosing. I hate myself for becoming a vegetable. I hate myself for not being what I can be.
But most of all I hate myself for being weak, especially when I was born to be strong.
And in this black horror of my never-ending depression there is my hope. My only light, my oxygen and my sun. Its my Italia. So maybe I havent lost all my hopes, because my main passion is still living within me, strong and unbreakable. Unless my love is broken and lost, I will breathe on and make my hurt heart go on, even when it seems its your last morning.
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4 comments:
U will get many satisfaction in your life, trust me! In the while I leave you a strong kiss. Don't be afraid. A presto
Babe, what's wrong? why this all half-dead convulsions happen to u?though death is not supposed to be so bad coz u can live after that in a more peaceful and tranquil world. I can imagine ur state as i myself was in it when i didnt want to go on not because it was so depressing around me but only when it was stable and rather promising, i guess i dont like to struggle when i feel i can sleep and be motionless instead. It all comes when u aint busy in anything, u r thinkin like breathing - every other sec is a thought. These all makes it so gloomy/ Dont think much, just do smth, make ur routine work to ur rising/ Good luck sweety!
Forza bella! :)
Weisst du?, ich habe eine neue Mitbewohnerin aus Sicilia, ich habe letztlich Italienisch hin und her gesprochen!, Es ist verrückt, sogar mehr als Deutsch, na, ich habe gute Grunden dafür, aber, das ist andere Geschichte.
Jetzt was ich wollte sagen, ist dass ich vermisse dich, und denke viel an dich, ich schicke dir viele liebe Grüße!, und natürlich: baci!
nice pic....!!!
whatever it is ....life has its plans....n dey r grt....
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