I love DC

Last week in DC. I feel like crying when I come to think of parting with people I am friends with now, people who have changed my life completely.
Still plenty of art galleries to see, gay pubs to visit, phone calls to make (hate talking on the phone though), people to hang out with this weekend. They are arranging a party for me at the "FUR". You can find my and my friends' pictures at www.furnightclub.com in the gallery. Also check out some old pics. "Fur" is my second home and they might have a lot on me :))

Obsessed

Obsession. My manager asked me once what I am obsessed and passionate about. My answer seemes inspiring and laconic to him. "Oh, horses..." - the one he would never expect me to give. He did that on purpose trying to compare my passion for horses with his for money.
But what is obsession? Is it a feeling of need that devours your soul and doesn't leave you alone at night? Obsession is unpredictable and almost impossible to regulate. Once it comes over me I know I wont be able to stop it. The desire of possession is too strong to give it up. Hinduism (Buddhism) teaches me to be patient and cool. My problems come from my desires. "Make a wish" - my best friend tells me and I respond: "I am too weak to fight for it". So I stop wanting. As long as you dont want anything , you diont dream about it, you are free from your obsession.
Last night I went out to a brazilian bar for a few drinks with a conceited journalist I hardly knew. "Anna, obsession is weakness for a man. Whenever you are obessed with something you are loosing control of the situation. Its dangerous. You have to subdue the desire not to submit it." I agree but then he gives me an intense look saying: "But I cant get over my obsession for you. I want to kiss you and to wake up with you on my chest smiling." I smile feeling confused and excited. He feels that and follows his obsession. I follow mine and run away in a cab.

Armani and Jazz - a new match?

- So, what does a Russian person like about America?
(instead of saying "nothing" which is closer to the truth I say):
- I sincerely enjoy having an Armani store right next to my house, free jazz concerts and Colombian men working at Armani. I also enjoy long strolls along the Potomac river with strangers who dont seem to be strangers at all, trips to New York and to the beach, as I never saw the ocean ever before. I love gay pubs and crowded night clubs, long hours spent in art galleries exhibiting Monet and Renoir, to my surprise, moments when I can stare at the night sky, for its the only time of the day when I can stare at the sky. I like working with Ethiopian and Polish people, eating Haagen-Dazs, because it reminds me of Germany and my German friends.
But most of all I enjoy myself - free and independent, lovable and loving, smiling and happy, crazy and serious, able to do whatever I want and not being judged or punished for that. Isn't it inspiring?

confessions of a young traveller

Of all the things that I could draw in my imagination for the past several months what I am in now is the least I could ever expect.
I'm afraid to admit this but however here is the truth: I like this place despite all my complaints about living here.
This country made me calmer and stronger. Although I'm not suer about my tomorrow I'm not afraid to face it. Being in Russia, living with parents I would think its crazy to fly to a different continent with no place to stay at or no work waiting for you. Crazy. But it feels like its sorting out at the moment. I have finally found a housing in DC and am about to get my Social Security Number - one of the things that a life of an American depends on.
DC (I mean some parts of it) is a very beautiful inspiring place not to leave one indifferent to my mind. It reminds me of England a lot, especially the downtown part. The bridge to Virginia (Rosslyn) looks almost like the one I crossed in London. Maybe its only me who sees the city in this perspective.
People here are very different. I'm still trying to get used to black colour which is everywhere (I grew up in a country where a black person is equal to a Marsian).
There are plenty opportunities to brush up Spanish, but I still feel very uncomfortable speaking it, as haven't properly done it for months. Today though I made an attempt to speak Spanish to a Puertorician room-mate over a Russian soup.
One more thing - I miss Russian food so much! There's no tvorog, nothing even close to it! When I come to think about it I want to pack and take the first plane home... but then I realise that I like this place and there's still so much to be explored!

another stamp in my passport

And... I'm finally here or there - US. I'm shocked by a bunch of things here and still cannot realise that I'm not in Europe anymore. Well, I'll have to get used to this at least for another 3 months!
There's one question I ask myself over and over again: What am I doing here?

The Biggest Lie Ever

Why is "The da Vinci Code" so contradicted? Why the Christian Church made an attempt to accuse Dan Brown of heresy?
Now think. Are you sure the world was always ruled by men?
There's a historical proof telling us something quite opposite.
It was about 8 thousand years ago that matriarchy existed in a form of a civilised society, i.e. group of women, sharing goods and men between themslves. That was what one could call women's friendship, however it was more than merely friendship for them. In that society women were free to choose partners and had a domineering position, as were considered to be saint and were treated exactly like Goddesses.
A woman possesses capability to enter the world of dead, which is practically what the religion in the common sense is. A woman can unravel secrets of nature, can feel the connection with the Universe much better than a man, who can only get this feeling from Her.
Its not news that religion rules the world and the minds of millions. The one who keeps this religion and the cult has a great power over the wolrd. No wonder, men, with their natural instinct to win, possess and dominate, turned women in their property as they did with holy, in the times of women, animals. Now almost all the churches and temples are run and ruled by Men - a woman has to pray through Him. In Russian Orthodox Chruch She is not admitted to enter certain parts of the church only because She is a Devil, bringing evil into His life. In the Bible a Woman is not a human being, she is compared to an animal who is sent on Earth by God to satisfy a man. Inhuman?
At least they had their reasons for that.
What would you do with someone immensely powerful who menaces you? Kill him? Maybe not, although Constantin did that also. You would deprave him of that power, which is quite logical in such a situation. But what did men do to us (me and other women)? Turned us into slaves and prostitutes. And that was what happened to Mary Magdalene who was actually married to Jesus and had a baby with him - she was turned into a prostitute by the Roman Emperor Constantin.
P.S. was thinkig a lot about our role in the society after watching the film and realised that its not feminism what it should be called - its power, which we unfortunately never use.

murr?

Roma (a brother) returned from Turkey yesterday night. I couldnt help moaning about my unhappy existance here: he looked so tanned, athletic and vitaminised! Oh Gosh, i want to be somewhere where it doesnt snow at all! He brought me a package of sweet Turkish delight which I missed a lot since I last went to Turkey myself. In addition to the Turkish delight I had cookies and choco-banana bread cooked by Ryan.
So my Sunday was SUGARY!!!!!!!!
I just wish I were having a proper rest somewhere in the sun/sea. Hopefully, will be getting it soon.

relaxed and inspired

Went to see mom at a hospital brought her a bunch of flowers and her favourite cookies - spent all my recently earned tuition money on it. She was obviously excited to see me and didnt want to let me go for 2 hours:) Its so easy to put a smile on someone's face! Besides, thinking of others is the best way to forget about my own sufferings which dont seem that unbearable anymore. Just on the contrary, taking care and thinking of someone else distracts you from anything not worth thinking of.
Wednesday and yesterday were the two most productive days of this week, practically didnt waste any time - love myself for being hard-working at times. Wish were hard-working every day of my life - makes me want to live and create!
(advise everyone to visit this: www.colinandkero.blogspot.com - two gay guys from Singapore enjoying their love and writing about their relationship)

My Love

Here's my love, my passion, my friend and my happiness.
Today after a long break I went horse-riding again and decided to share my joy and post his picture.
It was the most wonderful ride I ever had in my life: I felt every moment spent with him took me higher and made me want to fly as a bird, weightless and careless.

A nightmare

had scenes of deaths of my relatives and friends and crowds of terrifying cockroaches crawling up on me and surrounding me everywhere in my nightmares recently... last night had a real nightmare in a hospital where was brought by "Emergency Ambulance" which arrived in 40 min after a call. I've read somewhere that if such things happen it means I am in the dissonance with mother nature and the Moon. But what am I doing wrong?

Le Temps Qui Reste VS. Homophobia or vice versa?

le temps qui reste is a piece of art, or at least a piece of artistic interpretation of homosexual LOVE, which has its right to exist, as well as heterosexual love does. However when discussing the film, in a group of people sincerely interested in cinematography, I realized that men trying to oppose themselves against homosexuals, seemed completely ignorant in the sphere of love and its free expression. Moreover men, under the pressure of women's delight after the scenes of touching gay sexuality, felt their incapability to prove their opinions and were absolutely unable to give a reasonable background for their homophobia which was quite evident.
I still cant make it clear for myself: what frightned them most - watching two men kiss or realizing that women find it artistic and beautiful?
After an hour of all those men's phobias predominating logic and reason, I decided to leave with my, maybe too pathbreaking or frightening, but still my attitude to those of us who create absolutely new and therefore so hard to accept view on life.
(Melvil Poupaud - the source of my inspiration and the actor who has turned death into the process of enjoyment - is on the picture on the right)

a piece of home

psychological improvement

However hard life is, this week was suprisingly inspirational and I managed to spend at least the beginning of it without wasting time on unimportant things which are not related to my university work or my hobbies.
I suppose, it was the 2 months school practise that affected me so much. I could hardly stand the school atmosphere itself. Well, that's explainable: being in the same room with teachers yelling not only at their pupils in an irritating manner but also trampling on inspiring teachers' self-respect, convincing them they lacked teaching skills and could not be allowed to step on the schoolground.
Well, thank God, thats all over and now the dream of the past few months has come true and I'm again surrounded by people appreciating my knowledge and personality. Must say, my department is by far the best one, and people studying with me form a special community of those who I am totally happy with!
Speaking of which, yesterday went to see Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho with an old friend, who takes part in any activity connected with art, i.e. round tables, discussions, poetry evenings and new stage plays.
I didnt get that much impression from Psycho as a horror film, as the conclusion was easily predictable. So it all turned into a comedy for me. BUT, even after leaving the cinema hall and walking down the street I was still captivated and a bit terrified, so when a young man in a hood walking before me suddenly stopped and looked around I felt a cold stroke of horror in my chest and ran away. That shock was produced only by the look that Anthony Perkins, playing the main role of a psycho-killer, possessed. I have discovered a new interesting personality whom you might have discovered long ago.
Anthony Perkins had an interesting life, which was cut short by pneumonia caused by AIDS in the year of 1992. After long 9 years of grief and sorrow his wife Berry Berenson who wanted to be closer to Anthony was going to New York to visit his grave on the day of his death (September the 12th). It happened that trying to get closer to her beloved she couldnt even imagine she could be that close... She was one of the passengers on the first plane to strike the World Trade Center on 9/11.
It didnt let me calmly sleep at night. I was so inspired that I thought that that was the kind of death that I would prefer for myself.

Words, Wide Night - Слова

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us,
I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.
This is pleasurable.
Or shall I cross that out and say it is sad?
In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire
that you cannot hear.
La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine
the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I'm in love with you
And this is what it is like,
or what it is like in words.
(Carol Ann Duffy)

Далеко-далеко, по ту сторону ночи,
на большом растояньи
я в мечтах о тебе.
Лунным светом залитые очи
закрываются снова во сне.
Как приятно.
А может быть горько?
Как позволишь мне это назвать?
Мои песни в убогой каморке
не желаешь услышать и внять?
Я пою - лалала. Ты не слышишь?
Ну, пожалуйста, я же пою...
Закрывая глаза, я увижу те долины,
что во снах прохожу.
Я иду, спотыкаясь и плача,
и неровно шагаю - лечу!
Мое сердце разлуку оплачет,
но вернувшись, поставит свечу.
Я влюбленная, ты это знаешь,
но не сетуй на глупости слов.
Все слова - лишь беззвучные буквы,
очертания смутные из лунных снов.

Turns out

people can talk about sex and they lurrve(!) talking about their sex life! (well, at least with me - grin-) Evidently they enjoyed talking about it even more than I did and that was why we spent 3 hours in the Club instead of set limit of an hour and a half. I like to think I made them feel comfortable and relaxed so that they could share their opinions about sex/love and prostitution. Prostitution and sex boom were two mostly discussed things and I left the EA office feeling absolutely happy just as if all my dreams have fulfilled. They actually have: I can do what I like doing most of all in my life again - I can help people and make them smile.

S.E.X. + Soviet Union = a bad joke?

Probably!
Anyway, will find this out this Saturday in the English Club, bringing it up as a discussion about the most controversial/widely discussed topic: Sex and Society.
Post Soviet society may have interesting points of view. Am ready to listen to theirs and share mine. I'm curious if anything has changed since the beginning of the 90s. With all that Cosmo/Playboy rush, it could have changed, but how? What is the modern Russian attitude to the animal instinct: if its still the same, reserved or maybe not?
Considering the fact people usually prefer to share personal information with friends, so I want to know if young people talk about sex with their parents. I know quite a lot of those who never talked about their sex life and never want to bring it up in a conversation with parents.
I suppose one of the most controversial topics will be gay sex and gay love. Do they have a right to love in Russia?
The main question of this discussion is however: Can people talk about Sex freely or it is still a taboo?
Promise to post the results later!

Russian contrudiction

its not even a secret that Russians contradict themselves. Every time! Every day!
Went to see the world-famous Russian ballet dancers yesterday, enjoyed their unique style of dancing, known as the Russian School of Ballet. Was surprised to see some of less praised than Ilse Liepa dancers who also partcipated in the performance and did their best!
There was a very gifted girl who outshined even the Ilse. She was marvellous permorming a passionate Eastern lover and an exquisite black swan from the Swan Lake. I loved her plastic and the way she could feel the music and express it in her dance.
Liepa was as beautiful and gracious as a wild doe in her silk dress highlighting her plastic and flexible body which, as it seemed, had a life of its own, so that her passion expressed on the stage looked so natural and captivating.
But, staging of Mozart's Requiem was the best thing I'd ever seen in my whole life! I was bewitched and completely absorbed by a young man doing all the impossible pas, and was puzzled if he got so much power from his red tight ballet wear, from the audience or from the music, or was it in himself that made the concert hall stant still?
Right after the performance on the way home still impressed and having that sweet aftertaste in my body, had to face the reality of the Russian Life, i.e. streets filled with drunkards and their wives moaning around apologizing for nothing taking them home by hand destined to listen to their usual cursing.
Why? How? How is that possible in the country of the HIGHEST culture, in the country of ballet and music, in the country where everything is filled with poetry?

Spring is in the air!

After 3 or even 4 coldest months of waiting ever the SPRING is coming!
Yesterday was the 1st day of Maslenica, i.e. Maslenichnaya Nedelya, which basically means that people eat Russian pancakes bliny for the whole week until the very end of it. The highlight of the holiday will be on Sunday which is also called Proshenoe Voskresenie when everyone asks for forgiveness and eats bliny with spoonfuls of caviar washing it down with vodka. Those who have seen Sibirskii Cirulnik or "The Siberian Barber" know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Its an old Russian tradition!- we like to exclaim here. It all ends up the next day when the post (fast) starts. Maslenica means the end of winter and informally stands for the beginning of desirable spring. Its my favourite holiday and not only because I have a sweet tooth and adore Russian Bliny but also because, to my mind, its the only True Russian Holiday preserved since the old times when all people lived and celebrated it in villages. It still has the same flavour and the same idea which makes it extra special and loved.
Apart from lots of food to eat and lots of Vodka to drink we have all kinds of true Russian entertainments like going around the city in a troika (a team of three horses tied together), singing/dancing in a crowd of people, riding in snowmobile along the Volga river and burn the dummy represanting the winter which is also an old Russian Tradition. One of the most important conditions of spending the holiday accurately in the old Russian style is being out celebrating it, better with friends (the more friends the better!)
Have fun cooking bliny either this Saturday or Sunday! If you'd like a recipe I'd be glad to post one.
I also like this time of the year because of holidays going in a row. Although St Valentine's isnt really our holiday and the Orthodox actually have their own love holiday in July its still very nice to have it accepted and celebrated here. I personally enjoyed it a lot and am very thankful to someone special who has made that day very special and unforgettable:)
We also have two the so-called gender-holidays. There's one celebrated on 23d of Feb which is the so-called Men's Day (although originally its the day of Krasnaya Armiya establishment) and another one is the 8th of March which is the Women's Day (its also of some Soviet origin somehow connected with Russian feminism).
Love holidays!
Am looking forward to the time when snow will melt finally and I wont have to dress up like a snowman:( or even worse a snowwoman:(( Wish me luck and patience!

...puzzling...

If we all are the same, why are we so different then? We're of the same biological background, roughly speaking of the same social background, having almost the same value judgements, right? Then why do we differ in such things as attitude to each other? Why do we understand certain things differently and let this misunderstanding lead to the war of the worlds? And how can we shift these differences empoisoning our lives?Is it worth talking about after all?
But there's something even more important in this question: why does it happen that there's a person of a completely different social/racial background having absolutely different value judgements who surpringly enough understands us better than anyone else?

Viva la Musica!

Gosh! I'm in a summer mood right in the middle of the coldest winter that I've ever had in my life. That's simply amazing to be all smiley and dance-like when people around freeze with cold as stone dissatisfied face expressions. I only laugh and green at them when they try to convince me there's either no fun nor happiness midst the winter time. I feel like dancing every time the sun rises and goes down. The days are getting longer, gradually its getting warmer (well if you consider -28C is a good sign!) - are these not signs of the coming spring yet? Well, at least its already spring in my heart that makes me dance every time I hear a spanish song. It makes me think of days when I used to dance for hours not because I was freezing while waiting for public transport/taxi/friend.
What else can I add? Bailamos!