long-distance calls

She had another cup of coffee. Her wide blue eyes kept on staring out of the frozen window, her cold fingers typing fast the thoughts crossing her mind. Her ear was gradually getting hot from the phone she kept on holding for hours. A talk with an ex persuading her to come back and start all over again. The errant thought: why? What for?
He seemed to want the sex only, “just like all men”, she thought. But did he really want to get back to her or was he playing with her feelings once again, like he used to do, like he liked to do that? There was no right answer for that question.

The conversation went on. He kept on being hard on her, saying: just say yes and I will come…or maybe you already have someone else? Tell me straight. Are you afraid of telling me that? You should not be afraid. Just tell me.

She thought he was too persistent and that even flattered her: he wants me, he wants me so much that he now plays my game. I’ll play with him.

Would that matter to you if I was? Would that matter if I said that I was married or divorced?

I would not bother a married woman. It’s a taboo.

Okay, so what if I told you that I was seeing someone? (her voice turning soft and velvet, she already knew that it was simply her tone that was driving him crazy, wanting her even more now, that even entertained her)

You made me curious. That “what if” made me interested. I even started thinking about that possibility. You know, previously I was thinking you were actually dating someone else because you seemed to be too reserved and cool with me lately. It was just a suspicion that you were with someone, not necessarily a “must”.

(Laughing) You men always look for the simplest explanations! Another man is never a reason, it’s always a consequence.

She now knew he was about to burst out. That made her feel powerful She was indeed powerful. Being a woman, she thought was the best role she could ever think of on that playground where men make up their own rules and think they lead the game fooling themselves and thus taking that thought too seriously giving up too quickly being too weak.
Did he want to simply put her in his foolish made up frames of female conduct? Did he want to say that he is a host and she is just a guest taking a chair in the corner? Is she a servant? Is she a side player to him? Or is that only about him? Is he simply afraid of her taking her power back?

That thought made him hurry in a yet another vain attempt to get her back to his prison, to his prison called “relationship” where she was a meaningless part of someone who needed nothing but a decoration or an entertainment, rather than a person with problems and concerns. That thought slapped her fiercely on face and made her collect the thoughts and emotions and say: I am not sure. I will think about it. I have to go now, I have another call…

Dinamarka, Denamark, Denmark, Danmark, Дания...

A tiny country somewhere in the north known for the Vikings, Hamlet and mermaid girl, it turned out to be unforgettable for me.
It was only 1 week, but what a week! Constant stress, life in the Markstrat world, loads of Danish beer, new friends, old problems, parties, fights, love and hate snow, rain, sun... There was everything, the whole life in one week.
I have never thought I could be so involved in a "game", which indeed seemed so real.
You eat and think about your competitors, you sleep and think about the business plan and a new strategy for the "Vodite" market. Despite the fact that for some it all may sound boring, we actually had fun!
Inflation? - happens!
Called "Coca-Cola" "Coma-Coma" and surprised why noone buys it - not a fatal mistake!
Advertisment will save the situation! No money for it? - ask Italo for the loan!

I want to say thank you to David for the life lessons he has taught me, Lorena - for help and inspiration, Selma and Charlene - for support and friendship, Sarah Kniel - for the opportunity to be there, Italo Trevisan and Xenia and Kennet - for faith in us and support, Keld Harbo - for the organisation, all the Germans for the their friendship and Ronan for the best speech I have ever heard.

I will never forget the time we have spent together and will never forget the main lesson Markstrat taught me: the human relationships are priceless.

Wintermaerchen

Cozy and concentrated reading the "Competition Policy" book, listening Mozart I suddenly turned my head to look out of the window and "Oh!!!" It is snowing! These tiny little grapes reminding me of home and love fly out from nowhere and struck the ground filling it with their presence, covering it with a yet transparent white blanket and filling me with joy.

Ich bin wieder schon zuruck!

Liebe Freunde und Freundinen,

Ich freue mich sehr zuruck in Kassel zu sein:)

I just got back last night and must admit that it was a real pleasure for me to be finally back and see all my friends here again and my lovely Frankfurt which is absolutely adorable now.

The weather here is so warm and sunny that you would never even think that its winter! In Russia, it was pretty much the same though. It never snowed and even if there was some snow it all melted right after the New Year's.

I was very happy to spend some time at home and see my family and best friends there. But it was ganz kurz fur mich. Leider. My mom got a bit overexcited and kept on feeding me almost all the time and to be frank I had a thought that they would not take me on board after that...

In a week my exams and tests will start and I am supposed to be done with them by the mid of February. There is a huge amount of work to be done still and hoffentlich I will not "die researching".:)

I also plan to do some travelling: in the nearest future its Magburg and Frankfurt, of course, maybe Hamburg also.

Ok, will go and enjoy spring coming right in the middle of winter! I have never had such a winter in my life. I guess its a grant for all the coldness I had to tolerate before.

Happy New Year!!!

Dear friends,

I wish you a very Happy New Year, which I hope will bring you a lot of luck:)
Be well and dont forget to smile!!!

Love,
Anna

my poems

Since some of my fiends wanted to read my poerty - here it is, though not all of it, but only the poems which have previously been posted in my journal:

В пепельно-белых кроссовках
В старой потертой избе
Жизнь меня вновь заключила
Ключ снова вверив тебе.
Холод, железо оковы
в мою впивается плоть.
Ты, как безумный сторож,
их крепко и туго зажмешь.
Блеск твоего острого взгляда
как пуля сквозь сердце пройдет.
Мне холод и вечную сладость
оставит навеи твой лед.

Валентинка

не красную розу, не сердце из шелка,

а лук я дарю -
Луну в облачении жесткой бумаги,
тот свет, ускользающий снова во тьму.

Бери.

И лук ослепит тебя слезами счастья,
раскроет тебя...

Так? Ведь я же правду говорю?

Не милой открытки ванильные ноты -
Я дарю тебе Лук.

Его поцелуй обжигающе-страстный
есть отпечаток того, что в сердце храним
сейчас и навеки.

Возьми его.

И желтые кольца его мы
с радостью детской в обручальные превратим.

Лук, рассекающий души,
разрезаешь ножом.


Далеко-далеко, по ту сторону ночи,
на большом растояньи
я в мечтах о тебе.
Лунным светом залитые очи
закрываются снова во сне.
Как приятно.
А может быть горько?
Как позволишь мне это назвать?
Мои песни в убогой каморке
не желаешь услышать и внять?
Я пою - лалала. Ты не слышишь?
Ну, пожалуйста, я же пою...
Закрывая глаза, я увижу те долины,
что во снах прохожу.
Я иду, спотыкаясь и плача,
и неровно шагаю - лечу!
Мое сердце разлуку оплачет,
но вернувшись, поставит свечу.
Я влюбленная, ты это знаешь,
но не сетуй на глупости слов.
Все слова - лишь беззвучные буквы,
очертания смутные из лунных снов.

nothing in my way

Like in Keane's song: Its just another day and nothing in my way...
The past week has been very successful for me: I had to hold two presentations, one in International Marketing Strategies and another one in Company Project. Both presentations went well, very well, actually. I have to admit I was extremely nervous about them and could not sleep a couple of nights. As I have mentioned before, I am the manager in the Company Project, so last week had to make the 1st serious human resourse decision and fire a person who, to my mind, was not properly doing his work.

After the hard part of the week, decided to award myself with a day of full rest and went to Göttingen. Its a university town, very nice and very German in every sense, unlike Kassel. There you can see the tiny streets full of flowers, typical German houses, German pubs and students. There is an immense number of students and therefore bykes, parked everywhere! Göttingen is included in the number of the best universities in the world. And I am proud to say that one of my Economics Professors on Competition Policy is from the University of Göttingen.

As I have mentioned before I go to the gym, called Fitness Company, here. Funny fact, one of my professors (two German courses that I am taking)goes there with me. She also attends Competition Policy with me!

I feel relieved and happy these days! Mostly because I got myself a Christmas present - a Mango dress for the New Years!:) Now even Germans who talk to themselves seem to be funny and not annoying:)

home sick part 2 "depression" act 1

Last night I woke up with a strange fear that I have never had before: the fear of not getting back home, being destined to spend an eternity in Kassel. That was the worst horror dream I have ever had in my life. I started crying. No, actually weeping, like a little helpless baby without a mommy around. I felt so deserted, so unprotected that I couldnt help myself and kept on crying in the pillow, so none of my neighbours would know that I am weak.
Of course, I cant be weak! Not me! There are so many plans and projects. So much to want... and yet I dont want anything from life! Life here emptied me like nothing esle.
Every night I dream about my parents, dream about how I am gonna kiss them and be with them for only 10 f*ing days! I dream about my friends and remember the time that I spent with them, my happy moments of the past life in Russia and the time in America.
Why am I so unhappy here, if I was very happy in America, where I had pretty much the same problems and even worse life conditions. What was the key factor? Why is Germany so "foreign" to me? Is it something thats wrong with me, or..?
Also this damn f*ing bloody project, where I am the manager, which makes me responsible not only for the work being done, but for the people issues as well. Why the hell do I have to "encourage" someone to work? Nonsense! Is that me that I am so hard-working and motivated or others are lazy? Why do I have to make someone work? And I hate that, because it keeps me awake at night, every night until 5 in the morning, when I know that I have to rest, because I have to get up in 2 or 3 hours!
Is that not a prison? Tell me! Is that your dream? Well, then its my nightmare.

Все отнято: и сила, и любовь...

I guess there are no other means of explaining how I feel but Russian poetry. I would like to make a statement: I loved Russia, I love Russia and I always will. Whatever happens my heart will belong to this place. I dont care what people say, I dont care if someone doesnt like it as much as I do, or judges it for the past or for the present.
I miss you, my lovely, my adorable, my greatest in every way country. I miss its kind, honest people. I miss my family.

Все отнято: и сила, и любовь.
В немилый город брошенное тело
Не радо солнцу. Чувствую, что кровь
Во мне уже совсем похолодела.

Веселой Музы нрав не узнаю:
Она глядит и слова не проронит,
А голову в веночке темном клонит,
Изнеможенная, на грудь мою.

И только совесть с каждым днем страшней
Беснуется: великой хочет дани.
Закрыв лицо, я отвечала ей...
Но больше нет ни слез, ни оправданий.

-Anna Achmatova

home sick

German television is killing me: Alles ist möglich, Toyota. Ja, wahrscheinlich...
German language is annoying and sounds komisch to me: Ach so!.. Ja, genau!..
German people are full of prejudices, even those who are not from a village-like small towns like Kassel. Where does that come from?
Where did the elderly people get that Gewöhnlichkeit to stare at you in that manner as if you are dressed up as a whore? God damn it! I wanna go home and not hear this language, not see these people, their clean streets and their ugly 1950s buildings and not listen to their hässlig musik. Sometimes I feel like I am in a cage and there is no way for me to get out of it. I cant breathe!
Sometimes, I have a feeling of being a puppet and I can almost feel other people watching me just out of curiousity and playing with me from time to time, just for fun. I feel there's nothing real left around me, around my own personal world.
Every day, I am being critisized, ignored, laughed at by people who dont matter to me. And those, who actually do, are out of my reach. I dont talk to them for weeks, I dont see them for months. And I am dying. In cold Germany, where it never snows. And it kills me too.
I turned into one of them. I get up every morning and do everything according to their schedule: I study, I work, I eat, I work out, I meet friends and I am a robot. There is nothing left of Anna, seeking for inspiration and art, in love with nature and horses. I am a robot and I am programmed to stay alive in the land where everything seems to go against my life style and makes me adopt to the one I cant digest.

german sense of humour

Hätte Dalí Gelegenheit gehabt, Angelina Jolie zu malen, wäre das Bild ebenfalls surreal geworden, aber schön. So jedenfalls sieht es die Künstlerin namens Fourteen aus San Francisco in ihrem Gemälde „If Dalí had painted Angelina Jolie“, Öl auf Brett, 2006, abrufbar im Internet unter galleryoftheabsurd.com.
www.faz.net
www.galleryoftheabsurd.com

PS A u nemcev est' ved' chuvstvo umora takie stat'i v samoi perstizhnoi nemeckoi gazete publikovat'!

nobody knows whats gonna happen tomorrow?

Что теперь будет с нашими отношениями?

Игорь Юргенс, вице-президент РСПП:
-- Победа демократов однозначно осложнит наши отношения. Профильный комитет конгресса не пропустит протокол вступления России в ВТО, даже если он будет подписан. Кроме того, дембольшинство, чтобы осложнить жизнь республиканцам, просто так не отменит поправку Джексона--Вэника, а без этого наше вступление в ВТО во многом фикция.

Николай Петраков, директор Института проблем рынка, академик РАН:
-- Среди демократов много противников вхождения России в ВТО. Для российских министров это важно, я же считаю, что беспокоиться не стоит: в ВТО еще рано. А когда республиканцы уйдут из Белого дома, упадут цены на нефть. Известно, что существует определенная связь между семейством Буш и Саудовской Аравией. Сегодняшние цены на нефть спекулятивны, сейчас происходит искусственная перекачка денег из Европы, Японии и США на Ближний Восток. Цены упадут, и наш стабфонд немного уменьшится. Но это не страшно.

Сергей Егоров, председатель совета директоров Бинбанка:
-- Будет не очень здорово. Американские демократы в последнее время крайне негативно относились к России. Думаю, сейчас все свои проблемы, в том числе и Ирак, они решат за наш счет. А о вступлении в ВТО до конца этого года нам можно и не мечтать. Впрочем, винить в этом одних только демократов я все же не стал бы. Республиканцы тоже не очень этого хотят.

Юлий Воронцов, президент Российско-американского совета делового сотрудничества, в 1994-1999 годах посол России в США:
-- Это не выборы президента США, поэтому кардинальных изменений во взаимоотношениях между нашими странами не будет. Сильного падения доллара, как предсказывают некоторые эксперты, тоже не будет. А значит, наша экономика не пострадает. Впрочем, и с соотношением евро и доллара тоже все будет нормально.

Константин Косачев, председатель комитета Госдумы по международным делам:
-- Победа демократов может осложнить вступление РФ в ВТО и отмену поправки Джексона--Вэника. Кроме того, трудности возникнут и при голосовании по двусторонним соглашениям, которые сейчас находятся в работе, в частности по соглашению по сотрудничеству в атомной энергетике. Демпартия традиционно отдает приоритет вопросам демократии и соблюдению прав человека, и в этих вопросах значительно менее гибка, меньше готова к компромиссам. Нельзя исключать, что демократы вновь будут выдвигать на первый план именно эти вопросы в отношениях с Россией даже в ущерб двусторонним отношениям.


Kommersant.ru

impressions

At this time sand is gradually becoming colder, and its the coldness that shapes the sand in millions of small independent pieces. Each piece looks so different that even if you still keep looking for tow of them matching each other its just a waste of time.

My whole life was about waiting, counting minutes, hours, days and years until I became afraid of it. Not the life but time plays tricks on me making me think I live in the present while my mind keeps on getting me back to my past full of feelings I would rather bury forever and never deal with them again. Time brings uncertainty.

Soft north wind carassing my hair, filling it with morning freshness, warm leaves of rose water showering my face with its gentleness remind me of your loving touches on Sunday afternoon when I am still asleep and your fingers, almost afraid to disturb my sleep, touch my eyelids, my warm cheeks and my lips. Your morning breath full of warmth fills my skin with your presence. Its another morning in your arms.

American presidency in a Russian tradition

I have been working on my project for a class in "Company Project" and found this picture, which seems to say a lot about the Americo - Russian relationship without words. This is a set of very popular "Russian Dolls" - Matreshki. Enjoy:)

Nostalgiya...

Thank you for the summer! I love all of you!

how i ended up with Lancelot and Macbeth

You say: Lucky Anna, lucky girl, went to Germany for a year, will have an internship in a German bank...
If you only knew the whole truth about German life, you wouldnt probably keep on saying that. Well, by "the german life" i actually mean my vision of it, nothing else. (Most of my blogs are actually based on my personal experience and MY point of view.)
What is so desperately being discussed, by the name of "culture shock" and "language barrier", which i was sure would never happen to me, actually did! It happened to me in the Frankfurt Airport right at the moment when I had to open my mouth and... speak German.
The next moment when I looked around I realised I was trapped! Everyone around, I'm not exaggerating, everyone was speaking German. More than that, they didnt seem to have a problem with that.
What never touched me while I was in America became my biggest concearn here in Germany.
I thought: ok, give it a few days, happens to everyone, besides, there is a plenty of Erasmus students who dont sound like native speakers either!
In the end I gave it 2 weeks and as a result I actually began to understand almost everything of what professors where saying at the lectures of Competetive Management and Industrial Economics.
But if you want a better picture, take a sleepy mouse at 8 (!!!!) in the morning, (which is a crucial time for me, when I still have some German left-over-words running through my head since last night when I was desperately trying to learn them) and put it before a fluent German-speaker for, say, at least 12 hours a day. And then look in its eyes... which say a lot about its general state of mind, which can be only characterized by the word - dead tired.
After all that, you put the mouse in a box where it has to run through its head everything it had to listen and stare at for the whole day! Isnt it a torture?
Maybe, not such a big deal, as I desscibe, but could be a lot more pleasurable...
Sometimes it is. It actually is almost every night.
A small geography lesson: the area where I live in Kassel, i.e. university campus, is not the right place for the night-walks under the moon, if this thought ever crosses your mind. Its a place which can be characterised as notorios. For its drugdealers, prostitutes, devushek netyazhelogo povedeniya,( which cant be translated into English). Right for theat reason they put the campus there. It has become a relatively safe area since then.
However, once when I was coming back home alone, usually I'm coming back home with friends, and oh God, I met HIM, here he was a man of my nightmare dream, a mix of a short mexican, ugly redneck and a turk, dressed as gay with a very bad taste. Oh GOD! It was only 8, which is a very sensible time for me. I'm still puzzled about what i was about me - it could be my trench coat together with a skirt, but since when it became known as a "professional outfit"? My feelings were so deeply hurt, that since that day I started reading books about Templars and took a course of Shakespeare literature.
However, the best part of my student life lies in Freudenhaus, which could be roughly interpreted as "Mouline Rouge", of modern time. "Freude" auf Deutsch is "Happiness" or something that makes you happy. There's also a place called "Cuba Club" where we go out dancing salsa every Saturday night and a place called "New York", which very detachedly remained me of NYC, mostly by its music.
Germans are very different from Americans however. They also gladly help you, and smile everytime you look at them, but I have noticed something more sincere about the way the smile and talk to you. They are sincerely interested in your personality and can talk to you for hours, and not only about their income. I'm not saying all Americans necessarily talk about money 24 hours a day, but I've seen that a lot.
However, Germans are more concearned about wasting their money, which if not talk about, but cherish and spend according to the plan.
Despite the fact that Germans are usually called hard-working, once you see their students you realise that the fact is no more than a myth. In fact, I become more and more sure about that only Russian students are capable of working on the huge amounts of information and get a well-round education in the end. Pity, most of these bright students have nothing left to do but leave the country to look for a place where their brain-work will be paid for.

I would not want to finish my entry accusing someone or comparing nations. It wasnt my idea. Again, I write about I see, and what I think is necessary to be spoken about, at least here, at least with my friends.

In the end I'll just say: Veritas vos liberabit

BBC defined that as a ''difficult task''

George W. Bush: "I define success or failure as whether we're seeing a democracy grow in the heart of the Middle East.I'm patient. I'm not patient forever...But I recognise the degree of difficulty of the task, and therefore say to the American people we won't cut and run."

запах женщины inspired by "Das Parfum"

Мне сложно передать всю тонкость женского существа, именно того, чем являюсь. В чем таится мой секрет, моя загадочность и женственность? Даже я не в состоянии дать ответ.
Все начинается с ноток, тонких ноток аромата легкого майского ветра и столь же неуловимой музыки природы, гармонично откликающейся на каждое дуновение.
Мягкий южный ветер, словно пеленой обволакивающий тело девушки, уносит с собой частичку ее очарования, оставляя взамен воспоминания. Эти воспоминания настоль прелестны, что способны согреть даже холодную октябрьскую ночь, полную раздумий и одиночества. Именно этой ночью она, чистая, как сон младенца, и наполненная желаниями, как аромат пачули, расскрывает себя, как нежная майская роза, чьи лепестки, искупавшись в росе, источают божественный аромат, наполняющий рай и привлекающий все живое своей утонченностью. Этот миг красоты, заполняющий мир любвью, этот миг, приносящий вселенское наслаждение невинному свидетелю и дарящий ему спасение, этот благословенный миг вечен.

Memoirs

Three months and 4 days after I first stepped on the plane to Zurich, having spent the whole summer in Washington DC, Montana, California, Maryland, Virginia and the Hamptons I still have one more destination to reach - New York. Life gives me a chance to find out whether New York is the dream place for an inspiring writer. Is my final destination going to leave that memorable impression that I was looking for all the time while I was in DC or should that be the sunny California?
You might think that I'm ungrateful to what a big city of modern civilization offers to the young traveller but the strongest and the most memorable impression of my stay in America is always going to be connected with Montana.
It gave me the feeling of something true and stable in the world of disposable cameras and relationships.
Thank you, Angela, Ray and Ryan for showing me the world I wasn't expecting to see again. It was right there at the top of that hill that we've climbed together when I realised that for a college student I've seen a lot in life and there's a lot more ahead.

me