Saturday, April 26, 2008

la liberté vraie




 
Je ne peux pas imaginer ce qui est plus important dans la vie : étant soutenu librement ou sensation librement. C'est la liberté vraie que je me suis sentie aujourd'hui. Merci!
Я не знаю, что более важно в жизни: родиться свободным или чувствовать себя свободным.
Это настоящая свобода, которую ты я сегодня ощутила.
Спасибо!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

crazy

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy? "Albert Einstein.
Вопрос, который иногда меня смущает: это я сошла с ума или все остальные?

Friday, April 18, 2008

My destiny

It's a very touching song filled with beautiful words and angelic sounds.
I hope it will make you feel as good as it makes me feel - forever loving.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The New Dracula Story

Once upon a time there lived the Dracula in a very old castle. The Dracula was a very nice and an extremely handsome man who enjoyed late night suppers. He always had a lot of friends - vampires and bats - and he had always been famous among people.
All his life he had been living in the Hollywood. As any Hollywood star he had a fan club all over the world. It was very easy to become a member of his fan club: you only had to send the Dracula your name, your address and your bood group.
Every time when his fans came to Dracula's house, he was drinking the Bloody Mary...
Unfortunately, the Dracula had never been married, but he always wanted to have a family. That's why the Dracula had a lot of pets at his house - giraffes.
With his favourite animals he had never felt lonely...

Some people believed that the Dracula had died several hundreds years ago, and only giraffes know that he is still alive...

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Con te partirò

Quando sono solo sogno all´orizzonte e mancan le parole
si lo so che non c´è luce in una stanza quando manca il sole
se non ci sei tu con me
Su le finestre mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai acceso chiudi dentro me la luce che hai incontrato per strada

Con te partirò
Paesi che non ho mai veduto e vissuto con te adesso sì li vivrò
Con te partirò
su navi per mari che io lo so no, no, non esistono più con te io li vivrò
Quando sei lontana sogno all´orizzonte e mancan le parole
e io sì lo so che sei con me tu mia luna tu sei qui con me mio sole
tu sei qui con me con me con me

Con te partirò
Paesi che non ho mai veduto e vissuto con te adesso sì li vivrò
Con te partirò su navi per mari che, io lo so no, no, non esistono più con te io li rivivrò
Con te partirò su navi per mari che, io lo so no, no, non esistono più con te io li rivivrò
Con te partirò
Io con te

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

El Tango Argentino

Танго - это не просто танец страсти и любви. Танго - есть жизнь, в ее самом прекрасном исполнении, эта жизнь наполнена биением сердца, когда каждый его удар описывает ритм движения.
Танго
Аргентина
Страсть
Жизнь
Безумие
...
все это Я в настоящий момент и описание всего того, что живет внутри меня.
С каждым движением пламенный огонь разгорается все больше и больше, обжигая моего партнера. Танго не оставляет нам ничего, кроме пепла. Танец забирает нашу жизнь и дарит душу Дьяволу, чтобы мы смогли все также сильно и безумно желать друг друга и двигаться в одном ритме.
Мы более не принадлежим себе, отныне мы - его вечные рабы.
Танец, на дающий покоя и отдыха, воспламеняющий все, что живо, отнял мой сон..

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Walking on thin ice



Sweet cherry lips painted in hot colour ask for passion. In a second your glimpse tells me even more than your lips do. Every now and then you bite them, you drink them, you cannot get enough of them. You cannot get enough of me anymore, leaving me helpless, making me surrender even more.

I flash back to the night full of us on the thin river ice. No matter how hard I try to forget your intoxicating smell, nothing can help me now. Nothing can be on my way of thinking about you, wanting you more and more and reading your lips every night in my dreams.

Your last call made me think over your words again and again all day, every day. I am imprisoned by the desire of wanting to hear your voice, your voice telling me about your passion.


I walk on thin ice, not looking back, but right in front of me. I search for the stars and the early morning to arrive soon.

Its a five in the morning love story, happening to us for the first time.

Its the first time we aren't afraid of breaking that thin ice under the feet. Its the first time we aren't thinking about the future of being ashore and are simply enjoying taking steps on thin and yet quite strong river ice.

Its the first time I am going crazy from my passion and desire to live.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Fuoco e ghiaccio


Слезы умывают мое ярко накрашенное лицо, смывают с него тяжесть прошедшего дня и неудавщейся ночи, напряжение, вызванное мыслями о будущем. Что на самом деле важно: подчиниться или идти своей дорогой по просторам Вселенной? Что заставит меня остановиться посреди быстротекущей реки жизни, не боясь проломить хрупкий лед, держащий меня на плаву?
Я всего лишь ветер, неугомонный и изменчивый ветер. Смогла ли я даже на секунду представить себе такой насколько ярким может быть огонь, управляющий воздушным потоком? Смогла ли я предположить, что этот огонь возродит врунтри желание жить?
Тем временем я все еще ломаю хрупкий лед в своем сердце и не перестаю восхищаться насколько прочным он может быть в марте. Мой внутренний лед есть остывшее желание быть собой и не бояться. Мой внутренний лед заставляет меня повторять одну и ту же рутину хорошо заученных действий.
Как истинный последователь каменной теории я продолжаю заземляться, падать и не подниматься. Я стараюсь вдохнуть полной грудью из недр моей давно вырытой могилы, такой холодной, такой неуместной для того, кто желал кремации. Кремация - есть смерть та, которую ищу я. Тот огонь, разгорающийся внутри, уже больно обжигает мою чувствительность.
Боль - это наслаждение или мука?
Наслаждение или мука, что бы оно ни было, оно теплее холодной земли могилы и железных оков, пускающих мою кровь.
Даже мартовский лед проломится под лучами яркого апрельского солнца.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Jean Saul Partre



Дым, нависающий надо мной уже в течение нескольких часов, никак не желает распасться на более мелкие частицы и, таким боразом, покинуть меня и мою уже изрядно затуманенную голову. Мои распущенные волосы глубоко вдыхают его аромат, незапятнанный ничем, кроме того самого сигаретного дыма, старательно обволакивающего его кожу и мой рассудок.
Должен ли бесмыссленный раговор когда-нибудь обрести иной смысл? Останется ли в памяти память о нем? Память, заключенная в особом моменте социальной и половой несправедливости. Та, которую придется нести еще долгие несколько часов.
Вкус шампанского пробивает мое естесство и медленно убивает его. Зачем торопить смерть, если она все равно придет? Зачем играть в покер с судьбой, если она все равно выиграет?
Зачем читать о любви, если она не придет? Зачем держать за руку того, кто решительно намерен упасть?
И зачем забивать до отказа светлую голову подобными вопросами в то время, как в марте вдруг пошел снег, а я в легких туфлях?
Жан-Поль, тот самый с тонкими французсикими чертами лица, прорывается в подсознание Виана и топит мой огонь в очередном бокале.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Игрок

Не боясь лотерей
я играю с судьбой.
Сделав шаг-два вперед,
примиряюсь с игрой.
Твердо карту кладу,
зная все наперед,
словно вещий игрок,
предрекаю исход.
Я не верю в судьбу,
но я верю в людей.
Я простила всю ложь,
пропустив карусель.
Мой волчок заведен,
а я молча стою -
Моя роль - есть в антракте
 и запить немоту.
А в театре премьера -
Достоевский "Игрок".
Полный зал в ожиданьи
вдруг панически смолк.
В главной роли представлен
Незнакомый актер..
Его имя грохочет:
"Ты не имя, а вздор!"
Не боясь комплиментов,
поднимаюсь, встаю,
ровной поступью легкой
я на сцену иду.
Мне, поднявшись, вручают
три охабки цветов..
Мое средце не тает -
Я игрок, не "игрок".
Птицу счастья поймала
и удачу держу.
Людям верить пристало
в дьявольщину одну.
Я накрасила щеки
в ярко-пепельный цвет.
Этот мир проклял все,
даже "Новый Завет".
Мой " игрок", отступая,
учит роль и поет,
он готовится, зная,
что спектакль не умрет.
Мой "игрок"  верит в чудо,
верит в счастье и жизнь;
Призрак, полночь и вуду -
не его это стих.
Отправляясь в дорогу,
не прощаясь, без "нет",
мой "игрок" славит небо
за антрактский обед.

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's not that I die of love

It's not that I die of love, I die of you.
I die of you, love, of loving you,
of me needing my skin on yours,
of my soul yours and of my mouth
and the unbearable me without you.

I die of you and me, die of both, of us, of that,
ripped, broken,
I die, you die, that die.

We die in my room, in which I am alone,
in my bed in which you lack,
in the street where my embrace goes empty,
in the movies and parks, in the streetcars,
the places where my shoulder is used to your head
and my hand in your hand
and my whole self knows you as I know myself.

We die in the place I lent to the air
so you're outside me,
and in the place where air ends
when I throw my skin on you
and we know each other in ourselves, separated from the world
blissful, penetrated, and true, unending.

We die, we know it, they ignore it, we die
between us, now, separated,
one of the other, everyday,
falling down in multiple statues,
in gestures we see each other,
in our hands that need us.

Nos morirnos, amor, muero en tu vientre
que no muerdo ni beso,
en tus muslos dulcнsimos y vivos
en tu carne sin fin, muero de mбscaras,
de triбngulos obscuros e incesantes.
Me muero de mi cuerpo y de tu cuerpo,
de nuestra muerte, amor, muero, morirnos.
En el pozo de amor a todas horas,
inconsolable, a gritos,
dentro de mн, quiero decir, te llamo,
te llaman los que nacen, los que vienen
de atrбs, de ti, los que a ti llegan.
Nos morimos, amor, y nada hacemos
sino morirnos mбs, hora tras hora,
y escribirnos y hablarnos y morirnos.

[Jaime Sabines]

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

meditation experience

Photobucket
The process of self-learning in yoga lies in the concept of meditation: absolute concentration on self. In the long process of self-observation you might find out some 
exciting things inside your soul. 
Few days ago, my self-learning deepened at the yoga class. That was the meditation on the candle, which was the first time for me to try this unusual way 
of meditation. The process was quite easy for me to follow. In front of a mirror was to be placed 
a lit candle, so that you can also see yourself in the mirror. There should not be any more light in the room. Now the task for me was to first observe the candle itself and concentrate on fire.
I was frightened: while I was watching the candle light, my head 
disappeared in the mirror. There was no head at all. Then I had a feeling of being a man.  As my teacher later explained me: disappearance of the head is a very good sign, which means I have cleaned my conscious. Being a man or feeling like a man could also be my second self, which is quite an interesting theory.
The second step in this meditation process was observing self as the reflection in the mirror. While looking into my eyes I again saw my head blurred and then disappearing 
altogether.  In the process I saw my face changing into a face of an older me in the age of 60-70.
I would only say, that meditation left me even more pensive on what is there inside my soul.
I came to a certain realization that there exist absolutely no boundaries in the human's mind. In the process of constant meditation and self-talk we become emotionally stronger. We can understand our meaning in life and our emotions on a deeper level.
In the chaotic wild run of life many of us sometimes forget to take time for talking with self, which as I have realised is vital.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Oh Rusia!

Oh Rusia, noble Rusia, santa Rusia,
cien veces noble y santa
desde que roto el baculo y el cetro,
empunas el martillo y la guardanal.
En promontorio de Occidente,
por estas tierras altas
erizadas de sierras, vastas liras
de piedra y sol, por sus llanuras padras
y por sus campos verdes,
sus frios hondos, sus marinas claras,
bajo la negra encina y el aureo limonero,
junto al clavel y la retama,
de monte a monte y rio a rio
oyes la voz de Espana?
Mientras la guerra atruena
de mar a mar, ella te grita Hermana!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Dreams

The  most recent question I have had in mind was concerning my dreams.  That has been ever since last Septmeber when I first started seeing them and in November when my dreams became real.
My unusual dreams referring to the lives of people I know and myself, narrating of coming difficulties or dramas started worrying me more than ever. Waking up Friday morning in a horror that tomorrow morning might bring something unpleasant.
What is the nature of those dreams? Whats the purpose of the precaution if you can hardly change something?
Both Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung identified dreams as an interaction between the unconscious and the conscious. They also assert together that the unconscious is the dominant force of the dream, and in dreams it conveys its own mental activity to the perceptive faculty. While Freud felt that there was an active censorship against the unconscious even during sleep, Jung argued that the dream's bizarre quality is an efficient language, comparable to poetry and uniquely capable of revealing the underlying meaning.
Should I believe Freud on this?
Can it be possible that a mentally healthy person would have the knowledge of the coming disaster or in my case, problems? Do we all initially have all our life written on the back of the mind or is it just a message we're getting from time to time?
And what bothers me and makes me even more curious about the nature of dreams is the their source. This way, if those are God-sent or destiny-sent, then ok I give up, life is pre-written and I am just a plaything. If not - then I am the God of myself and well, whoever is reading 
this is too.

Friday, November 02, 2007

"Sono l'italiano vero!" - Toto Cutugno

Toto Cutugno. Toto Cutugno..
Does this name ring a bell in your memory? A 35-year old memory to be more precise. It never did for me until I faced it right there in St-Petersburg where it seemed like the city was dressed in the images of aged Toto Cutugno. I never questioned the great Russian love for everything Italian: Italian food, Italian shoes, Italian men.. But Italian songs and the Russian awareness of their existence was overwhelming. I never thought "an Italian song" meant that of Toto Cutugno. I also never thought that in Italy noone probably knows Toto Cutugno, when in Russia he was almost a national hero with his name all over the cultural capital.
Can it be that the Russian love for everything Italian has overgrown all possible sizes and became an addiction: to food, shoes and disturbingly handsome men?
As for Italian songs and that particular one..  Sometimes it makes me think of how we sometimes underestimate our own culture and maybe forget it. And maybe we should not drop the price to minumum, when in someone else's eyes we are still of the great value.
P.S. Dedicated to Russian women and Italian music.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

half dead

Today i woke up in a horrifying realisation that my heart stopped. Literally. It just stopped and didnt want to go on anymore. Half of my chest was paralysed and I could feel my heart squeezed tightly.
I have been surfing internet for hours looking for the answer to my frustration and depression. Afraid of sounding trite, I lost any interest in life. Completely and altogether. And its been for months like that.
People judge me for being depressed, loosing my inspiration and optimism. I cant help it. I feel lost, almost like "Lost in Translation". Nothing brings me happiness, nothing makes me smile, nothing makes me want to struggle, to live and hope, to move on. Nothing is left of me the way it used to be before.
There is the same old question keeping me restless: What is wrong?
Every night is a nightmare of black thoughts. Every morning is a torture. I hope and plan, I do and I am never satisfied. I blame myself for everything and see no way out of the misery.
I live in the country where people never smile. I love people who think I am lazy and pathetic.
I hate myself for wasting my time. I hate myself for not struggling. I hate myself for loosing. I hate myself for becoming a vegetable. I hate myself for not being what I can be.
But most of all I hate myself for being weak, especially when I was born to be strong.
And in this black horror of my never-ending depression there is my hope. My only light, my oxygen and my sun. Its my Italia. So maybe I havent lost all my hopes, because my main passion is still living within me, strong and unbreakable. Unless my love is broken and lost, I will breathe on and make my hurt heart go on, even when it seems its your last morning.

Friday, September 28, 2007

beauty

I love Freedom! I long for freedom! I am locked in my body unable to free my soul..
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Orgasm

Music of the soul sounds inside of me with every breath taken. It goes into my lungs deeper and deeper just like Madonna wants it, and insatiable just like Darren Hayes wants it. Books I read songs I listen, places I go – they all reflect my passion, never-ending passion. Fashion bars I go for a cocktail – all in red with red candles all around the place, soft sensual music spiced with a Cosmopolitan, penetrates my bare self. I squeeze my hands in temptation, eyes sparkling, becoming insane, my hearts beats faster and faster. So fast is my heart that I cant feel my breath. Close my eyes and feel my body dissolve in the unknown. I drown in the Universe, in the pure emotional side of it. I speak the language of the Universe, I can feel every breath of it. We are connected for ever and this is divine for it makes me scream with excitement. It makes me think about lovemaking, slow and gentle, both lovers looking into each other’s eyes, holding hands, kissing each other’s egos and dissolving in the unknown, becoming common. Isn’t that a paradise, the holy place you wish you were taken for ever? Isn’t this the moment to live and love for?
I have traveled all around the world to get here, to get here and closer, even deeper into the common sense. When this holy orgasm reaches me I forget time, place, everything material. In fact, I hate material. I have no love for those who die for it. They lose themselves. There is the ultimate happiness of being a part of the Universe and being connected, deeply connected to it.
The Universe is Love, pure love. Another definition of it might be sex or lovemaking. Every act of love opens a door to the universe which tells us its secrets and, those sacred moments of orgasm seem to last for hours, for ever…Those moments of flying above your own self, when your body lets you go and kiss the eternity we embrace the very meaning of us.
Thank you, for I learned to fly. I fly whenever I want and reach places I have never seen and people I have never met. I fly and reach my beloved on other continents and yet so close, here in my mind. I see all the colours of the world, hear its every whisper, and love every bit of it. I completely belong to it in my heart and my mind, give myself to this feeling and explode. I explode at the thought of reaching the top of the highest mountain, swimming in the deep ocean and flying high in the sky like a bird all at the same time of my ultimate life orgasm and the main music theme of my life!


Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Goddess

When he calls me an angel, it makes me smile nervously and tremble for I am afraid of being loved and appreciated the way I am supposed to. Love makes me weak; it makes me want to close in my little world of dreams and sit there quite. How come a woman, God’s best creation is afraid to be called what she is?
Monica Bellucci, a woman who makes my heart stop to see her deep as an ocean eyes. She is so deep and tantalizing I cant think of getting myself distracted. It’s a woman of immense power, strong will and God’s given talent.
I turn my head away from her and stare at the flowers he sent me. Young fresh lilies just about to bloom, so innocent, so angelic. The mid-night words so powerful inside of me “I miss you, angel”.
Angel. Woman. A woman is an angel?
I am tantalized. My ears get the magic sounds of Madonna. Her powerful voice, sensual music, her piercing knowing eyes stop my mind for a second. I drown in Madonna. I drown in Monica. I drown in women whom I call angels for they bring light, for they bring meaning to life full of emptiness. They make you think, they never leave you emotionless, you hate them, and you love them.
I adore them. They are angels in devil robes. And I am one of them. I am a woman to make a difference. I look into Monica’s eyes and I see the reflection of mine. I hear Madonna’s speech and feel her energy coming out and I feel it’s a part of me. It has always been a part of us.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Romance at 3 in the morning


And when the lights go down, the streets drown in the darkness of the night and the silence of this lonely hour, I go out to meet you. Your footsteps are heard to me miles away from where I am presently. In every corner cats are waiting for you to appear, just like I am. They are obsessed, just like I am, with the idea you will come out of the dark corner where you have been hiding for the past years while I was still on that lonely street patiently waiting for you. The road to you, so long and sweet, is paved with lilies.