Happy New Year!!!

Dear friends,

I wish you a very Happy New Year, which I hope will bring you a lot of luck:)
Be well and dont forget to smile!!!

Love,
Anna

my poems

Since some of my fiends wanted to read my poerty - here it is, though not all of it, but only the poems which have previously been posted in my journal:

В пепельно-белых кроссовках
В старой потертой избе
Жизнь меня вновь заключила
Ключ снова вверив тебе.
Холод, железо оковы
в мою впивается плоть.
Ты, как безумный сторож,
их крепко и туго зажмешь.
Блеск твоего острого взгляда
как пуля сквозь сердце пройдет.
Мне холод и вечную сладость
оставит навеи твой лед.

Валентинка

не красную розу, не сердце из шелка,

а лук я дарю -
Луну в облачении жесткой бумаги,
тот свет, ускользающий снова во тьму.

Бери.

И лук ослепит тебя слезами счастья,
раскроет тебя...

Так? Ведь я же правду говорю?

Не милой открытки ванильные ноты -
Я дарю тебе Лук.

Его поцелуй обжигающе-страстный
есть отпечаток того, что в сердце храним
сейчас и навеки.

Возьми его.

И желтые кольца его мы
с радостью детской в обручальные превратим.

Лук, рассекающий души,
разрезаешь ножом.


Далеко-далеко, по ту сторону ночи,
на большом растояньи
я в мечтах о тебе.
Лунным светом залитые очи
закрываются снова во сне.
Как приятно.
А может быть горько?
Как позволишь мне это назвать?
Мои песни в убогой каморке
не желаешь услышать и внять?
Я пою - лалала. Ты не слышишь?
Ну, пожалуйста, я же пою...
Закрывая глаза, я увижу те долины,
что во снах прохожу.
Я иду, спотыкаясь и плача,
и неровно шагаю - лечу!
Мое сердце разлуку оплачет,
но вернувшись, поставит свечу.
Я влюбленная, ты это знаешь,
но не сетуй на глупости слов.
Все слова - лишь беззвучные буквы,
очертания смутные из лунных снов.

nothing in my way

Like in Keane's song: Its just another day and nothing in my way...
The past week has been very successful for me: I had to hold two presentations, one in International Marketing Strategies and another one in Company Project. Both presentations went well, very well, actually. I have to admit I was extremely nervous about them and could not sleep a couple of nights. As I have mentioned before, I am the manager in the Company Project, so last week had to make the 1st serious human resourse decision and fire a person who, to my mind, was not properly doing his work.

After the hard part of the week, decided to award myself with a day of full rest and went to Göttingen. Its a university town, very nice and very German in every sense, unlike Kassel. There you can see the tiny streets full of flowers, typical German houses, German pubs and students. There is an immense number of students and therefore bykes, parked everywhere! Göttingen is included in the number of the best universities in the world. And I am proud to say that one of my Economics Professors on Competition Policy is from the University of Göttingen.

As I have mentioned before I go to the gym, called Fitness Company, here. Funny fact, one of my professors (two German courses that I am taking)goes there with me. She also attends Competition Policy with me!

I feel relieved and happy these days! Mostly because I got myself a Christmas present - a Mango dress for the New Years!:) Now even Germans who talk to themselves seem to be funny and not annoying:)

home sick part 2 "depression" act 1

Last night I woke up with a strange fear that I have never had before: the fear of not getting back home, being destined to spend an eternity in Kassel. That was the worst horror dream I have ever had in my life. I started crying. No, actually weeping, like a little helpless baby without a mommy around. I felt so deserted, so unprotected that I couldnt help myself and kept on crying in the pillow, so none of my neighbours would know that I am weak.
Of course, I cant be weak! Not me! There are so many plans and projects. So much to want... and yet I dont want anything from life! Life here emptied me like nothing esle.
Every night I dream about my parents, dream about how I am gonna kiss them and be with them for only 10 f*ing days! I dream about my friends and remember the time that I spent with them, my happy moments of the past life in Russia and the time in America.
Why am I so unhappy here, if I was very happy in America, where I had pretty much the same problems and even worse life conditions. What was the key factor? Why is Germany so "foreign" to me? Is it something thats wrong with me, or..?
Also this damn f*ing bloody project, where I am the manager, which makes me responsible not only for the work being done, but for the people issues as well. Why the hell do I have to "encourage" someone to work? Nonsense! Is that me that I am so hard-working and motivated or others are lazy? Why do I have to make someone work? And I hate that, because it keeps me awake at night, every night until 5 in the morning, when I know that I have to rest, because I have to get up in 2 or 3 hours!
Is that not a prison? Tell me! Is that your dream? Well, then its my nightmare.

Все отнято: и сила, и любовь...

I guess there are no other means of explaining how I feel but Russian poetry. I would like to make a statement: I loved Russia, I love Russia and I always will. Whatever happens my heart will belong to this place. I dont care what people say, I dont care if someone doesnt like it as much as I do, or judges it for the past or for the present.
I miss you, my lovely, my adorable, my greatest in every way country. I miss its kind, honest people. I miss my family.

Все отнято: и сила, и любовь.
В немилый город брошенное тело
Не радо солнцу. Чувствую, что кровь
Во мне уже совсем похолодела.

Веселой Музы нрав не узнаю:
Она глядит и слова не проронит,
А голову в веночке темном клонит,
Изнеможенная, на грудь мою.

И только совесть с каждым днем страшней
Беснуется: великой хочет дани.
Закрыв лицо, я отвечала ей...
Но больше нет ни слез, ни оправданий.

-Anna Achmatova

home sick

German television is killing me: Alles ist möglich, Toyota. Ja, wahrscheinlich...
German language is annoying and sounds komisch to me: Ach so!.. Ja, genau!..
German people are full of prejudices, even those who are not from a village-like small towns like Kassel. Where does that come from?
Where did the elderly people get that Gewöhnlichkeit to stare at you in that manner as if you are dressed up as a whore? God damn it! I wanna go home and not hear this language, not see these people, their clean streets and their ugly 1950s buildings and not listen to their hässlig musik. Sometimes I feel like I am in a cage and there is no way for me to get out of it. I cant breathe!
Sometimes, I have a feeling of being a puppet and I can almost feel other people watching me just out of curiousity and playing with me from time to time, just for fun. I feel there's nothing real left around me, around my own personal world.
Every day, I am being critisized, ignored, laughed at by people who dont matter to me. And those, who actually do, are out of my reach. I dont talk to them for weeks, I dont see them for months. And I am dying. In cold Germany, where it never snows. And it kills me too.
I turned into one of them. I get up every morning and do everything according to their schedule: I study, I work, I eat, I work out, I meet friends and I am a robot. There is nothing left of Anna, seeking for inspiration and art, in love with nature and horses. I am a robot and I am programmed to stay alive in the land where everything seems to go against my life style and makes me adopt to the one I cant digest.

german sense of humour

Hätte Dalí Gelegenheit gehabt, Angelina Jolie zu malen, wäre das Bild ebenfalls surreal geworden, aber schön. So jedenfalls sieht es die Künstlerin namens Fourteen aus San Francisco in ihrem Gemälde „If Dalí had painted Angelina Jolie“, Öl auf Brett, 2006, abrufbar im Internet unter galleryoftheabsurd.com.
www.faz.net
www.galleryoftheabsurd.com

PS A u nemcev est' ved' chuvstvo umora takie stat'i v samoi perstizhnoi nemeckoi gazete publikovat'!

nobody knows whats gonna happen tomorrow?

Что теперь будет с нашими отношениями?

Игорь Юргенс, вице-президент РСПП:
-- Победа демократов однозначно осложнит наши отношения. Профильный комитет конгресса не пропустит протокол вступления России в ВТО, даже если он будет подписан. Кроме того, дембольшинство, чтобы осложнить жизнь республиканцам, просто так не отменит поправку Джексона--Вэника, а без этого наше вступление в ВТО во многом фикция.

Николай Петраков, директор Института проблем рынка, академик РАН:
-- Среди демократов много противников вхождения России в ВТО. Для российских министров это важно, я же считаю, что беспокоиться не стоит: в ВТО еще рано. А когда республиканцы уйдут из Белого дома, упадут цены на нефть. Известно, что существует определенная связь между семейством Буш и Саудовской Аравией. Сегодняшние цены на нефть спекулятивны, сейчас происходит искусственная перекачка денег из Европы, Японии и США на Ближний Восток. Цены упадут, и наш стабфонд немного уменьшится. Но это не страшно.

Сергей Егоров, председатель совета директоров Бинбанка:
-- Будет не очень здорово. Американские демократы в последнее время крайне негативно относились к России. Думаю, сейчас все свои проблемы, в том числе и Ирак, они решат за наш счет. А о вступлении в ВТО до конца этого года нам можно и не мечтать. Впрочем, винить в этом одних только демократов я все же не стал бы. Республиканцы тоже не очень этого хотят.

Юлий Воронцов, президент Российско-американского совета делового сотрудничества, в 1994-1999 годах посол России в США:
-- Это не выборы президента США, поэтому кардинальных изменений во взаимоотношениях между нашими странами не будет. Сильного падения доллара, как предсказывают некоторые эксперты, тоже не будет. А значит, наша экономика не пострадает. Впрочем, и с соотношением евро и доллара тоже все будет нормально.

Константин Косачев, председатель комитета Госдумы по международным делам:
-- Победа демократов может осложнить вступление РФ в ВТО и отмену поправки Джексона--Вэника. Кроме того, трудности возникнут и при голосовании по двусторонним соглашениям, которые сейчас находятся в работе, в частности по соглашению по сотрудничеству в атомной энергетике. Демпартия традиционно отдает приоритет вопросам демократии и соблюдению прав человека, и в этих вопросах значительно менее гибка, меньше готова к компромиссам. Нельзя исключать, что демократы вновь будут выдвигать на первый план именно эти вопросы в отношениях с Россией даже в ущерб двусторонним отношениям.


Kommersant.ru

impressions

At this time sand is gradually becoming colder, and its the coldness that shapes the sand in millions of small independent pieces. Each piece looks so different that even if you still keep looking for tow of them matching each other its just a waste of time.

My whole life was about waiting, counting minutes, hours, days and years until I became afraid of it. Not the life but time plays tricks on me making me think I live in the present while my mind keeps on getting me back to my past full of feelings I would rather bury forever and never deal with them again. Time brings uncertainty.

Soft north wind carassing my hair, filling it with morning freshness, warm leaves of rose water showering my face with its gentleness remind me of your loving touches on Sunday afternoon when I am still asleep and your fingers, almost afraid to disturb my sleep, touch my eyelids, my warm cheeks and my lips. Your morning breath full of warmth fills my skin with your presence. Its another morning in your arms.

American presidency in a Russian tradition

I have been working on my project for a class in "Company Project" and found this picture, which seems to say a lot about the Americo - Russian relationship without words. This is a set of very popular "Russian Dolls" - Matreshki. Enjoy:)

Nostalgiya...

Thank you for the summer! I love all of you!

how i ended up with Lancelot and Macbeth

You say: Lucky Anna, lucky girl, went to Germany for a year, will have an internship in a German bank...
If you only knew the whole truth about German life, you wouldnt probably keep on saying that. Well, by "the german life" i actually mean my vision of it, nothing else. (Most of my blogs are actually based on my personal experience and MY point of view.)
What is so desperately being discussed, by the name of "culture shock" and "language barrier", which i was sure would never happen to me, actually did! It happened to me in the Frankfurt Airport right at the moment when I had to open my mouth and... speak German.
The next moment when I looked around I realised I was trapped! Everyone around, I'm not exaggerating, everyone was speaking German. More than that, they didnt seem to have a problem with that.
What never touched me while I was in America became my biggest concearn here in Germany.
I thought: ok, give it a few days, happens to everyone, besides, there is a plenty of Erasmus students who dont sound like native speakers either!
In the end I gave it 2 weeks and as a result I actually began to understand almost everything of what professors where saying at the lectures of Competetive Management and Industrial Economics.
But if you want a better picture, take a sleepy mouse at 8 (!!!!) in the morning, (which is a crucial time for me, when I still have some German left-over-words running through my head since last night when I was desperately trying to learn them) and put it before a fluent German-speaker for, say, at least 12 hours a day. And then look in its eyes... which say a lot about its general state of mind, which can be only characterized by the word - dead tired.
After all that, you put the mouse in a box where it has to run through its head everything it had to listen and stare at for the whole day! Isnt it a torture?
Maybe, not such a big deal, as I desscibe, but could be a lot more pleasurable...
Sometimes it is. It actually is almost every night.
A small geography lesson: the area where I live in Kassel, i.e. university campus, is not the right place for the night-walks under the moon, if this thought ever crosses your mind. Its a place which can be characterised as notorios. For its drugdealers, prostitutes, devushek netyazhelogo povedeniya,( which cant be translated into English). Right for theat reason they put the campus there. It has become a relatively safe area since then.
However, once when I was coming back home alone, usually I'm coming back home with friends, and oh God, I met HIM, here he was a man of my nightmare dream, a mix of a short mexican, ugly redneck and a turk, dressed as gay with a very bad taste. Oh GOD! It was only 8, which is a very sensible time for me. I'm still puzzled about what i was about me - it could be my trench coat together with a skirt, but since when it became known as a "professional outfit"? My feelings were so deeply hurt, that since that day I started reading books about Templars and took a course of Shakespeare literature.
However, the best part of my student life lies in Freudenhaus, which could be roughly interpreted as "Mouline Rouge", of modern time. "Freude" auf Deutsch is "Happiness" or something that makes you happy. There's also a place called "Cuba Club" where we go out dancing salsa every Saturday night and a place called "New York", which very detachedly remained me of NYC, mostly by its music.
Germans are very different from Americans however. They also gladly help you, and smile everytime you look at them, but I have noticed something more sincere about the way the smile and talk to you. They are sincerely interested in your personality and can talk to you for hours, and not only about their income. I'm not saying all Americans necessarily talk about money 24 hours a day, but I've seen that a lot.
However, Germans are more concearned about wasting their money, which if not talk about, but cherish and spend according to the plan.
Despite the fact that Germans are usually called hard-working, once you see their students you realise that the fact is no more than a myth. In fact, I become more and more sure about that only Russian students are capable of working on the huge amounts of information and get a well-round education in the end. Pity, most of these bright students have nothing left to do but leave the country to look for a place where their brain-work will be paid for.

I would not want to finish my entry accusing someone or comparing nations. It wasnt my idea. Again, I write about I see, and what I think is necessary to be spoken about, at least here, at least with my friends.

In the end I'll just say: Veritas vos liberabit

BBC defined that as a ''difficult task''

George W. Bush: "I define success or failure as whether we're seeing a democracy grow in the heart of the Middle East.I'm patient. I'm not patient forever...But I recognise the degree of difficulty of the task, and therefore say to the American people we won't cut and run."

запах женщины inspired by "Das Parfum"

Мне сложно передать всю тонкость женского существа, именно того, чем являюсь. В чем таится мой секрет, моя загадочность и женственность? Даже я не в состоянии дать ответ.
Все начинается с ноток, тонких ноток аромата легкого майского ветра и столь же неуловимой музыки природы, гармонично откликающейся на каждое дуновение.
Мягкий южный ветер, словно пеленой обволакивающий тело девушки, уносит с собой частичку ее очарования, оставляя взамен воспоминания. Эти воспоминания настоль прелестны, что способны согреть даже холодную октябрьскую ночь, полную раздумий и одиночества. Именно этой ночью она, чистая, как сон младенца, и наполненная желаниями, как аромат пачули, расскрывает себя, как нежная майская роза, чьи лепестки, искупавшись в росе, источают божественный аромат, наполняющий рай и привлекающий все живое своей утонченностью. Этот миг красоты, заполняющий мир любвью, этот миг, приносящий вселенское наслаждение невинному свидетелю и дарящий ему спасение, этот благословенный миг вечен.

Memoirs

Three months and 4 days after I first stepped on the plane to Zurich, having spent the whole summer in Washington DC, Montana, California, Maryland, Virginia and the Hamptons I still have one more destination to reach - New York. Life gives me a chance to find out whether New York is the dream place for an inspiring writer. Is my final destination going to leave that memorable impression that I was looking for all the time while I was in DC or should that be the sunny California?
You might think that I'm ungrateful to what a big city of modern civilization offers to the young traveller but the strongest and the most memorable impression of my stay in America is always going to be connected with Montana.
It gave me the feeling of something true and stable in the world of disposable cameras and relationships.
Thank you, Angela, Ray and Ryan for showing me the world I wasn't expecting to see again. It was right there at the top of that hill that we've climbed together when I realised that for a college student I've seen a lot in life and there's a lot more ahead.

me

I love DC

Last week in DC. I feel like crying when I come to think of parting with people I am friends with now, people who have changed my life completely.
Still plenty of art galleries to see, gay pubs to visit, phone calls to make (hate talking on the phone though), people to hang out with this weekend. They are arranging a party for me at the "FUR". You can find my and my friends' pictures at www.furnightclub.com in the gallery. Also check out some old pics. "Fur" is my second home and they might have a lot on me :))

Obsessed

Obsession. My manager asked me once what I am obsessed and passionate about. My answer seemes inspiring and laconic to him. "Oh, horses..." - the one he would never expect me to give. He did that on purpose trying to compare my passion for horses with his for money.
But what is obsession? Is it a feeling of need that devours your soul and doesn't leave you alone at night? Obsession is unpredictable and almost impossible to regulate. Once it comes over me I know I wont be able to stop it. The desire of possession is too strong to give it up. Hinduism (Buddhism) teaches me to be patient and cool. My problems come from my desires. "Make a wish" - my best friend tells me and I respond: "I am too weak to fight for it". So I stop wanting. As long as you dont want anything , you diont dream about it, you are free from your obsession.
Last night I went out to a brazilian bar for a few drinks with a conceited journalist I hardly knew. "Anna, obsession is weakness for a man. Whenever you are obessed with something you are loosing control of the situation. Its dangerous. You have to subdue the desire not to submit it." I agree but then he gives me an intense look saying: "But I cant get over my obsession for you. I want to kiss you and to wake up with you on my chest smiling." I smile feeling confused and excited. He feels that and follows his obsession. I follow mine and run away in a cab.

Armani and Jazz - a new match?

- So, what does a Russian person like about America?
(instead of saying "nothing" which is closer to the truth I say):
- I sincerely enjoy having an Armani store right next to my house, free jazz concerts and Colombian men working at Armani. I also enjoy long strolls along the Potomac river with strangers who dont seem to be strangers at all, trips to New York and to the beach, as I never saw the ocean ever before. I love gay pubs and crowded night clubs, long hours spent in art galleries exhibiting Monet and Renoir, to my surprise, moments when I can stare at the night sky, for its the only time of the day when I can stare at the sky. I like working with Ethiopian and Polish people, eating Haagen-Dazs, because it reminds me of Germany and my German friends.
But most of all I enjoy myself - free and independent, lovable and loving, smiling and happy, crazy and serious, able to do whatever I want and not being judged or punished for that. Isn't it inspiring?

confessions of a young traveller

Of all the things that I could draw in my imagination for the past several months what I am in now is the least I could ever expect.
I'm afraid to admit this but however here is the truth: I like this place despite all my complaints about living here.
This country made me calmer and stronger. Although I'm not suer about my tomorrow I'm not afraid to face it. Being in Russia, living with parents I would think its crazy to fly to a different continent with no place to stay at or no work waiting for you. Crazy. But it feels like its sorting out at the moment. I have finally found a housing in DC and am about to get my Social Security Number - one of the things that a life of an American depends on.
DC (I mean some parts of it) is a very beautiful inspiring place not to leave one indifferent to my mind. It reminds me of England a lot, especially the downtown part. The bridge to Virginia (Rosslyn) looks almost like the one I crossed in London. Maybe its only me who sees the city in this perspective.
People here are very different. I'm still trying to get used to black colour which is everywhere (I grew up in a country where a black person is equal to a Marsian).
There are plenty opportunities to brush up Spanish, but I still feel very uncomfortable speaking it, as haven't properly done it for months. Today though I made an attempt to speak Spanish to a Puertorician room-mate over a Russian soup.
One more thing - I miss Russian food so much! There's no tvorog, nothing even close to it! When I come to think about it I want to pack and take the first plane home... but then I realise that I like this place and there's still so much to be explored!

another stamp in my passport

And... I'm finally here or there - US. I'm shocked by a bunch of things here and still cannot realise that I'm not in Europe anymore. Well, I'll have to get used to this at least for another 3 months!
There's one question I ask myself over and over again: What am I doing here?

The Biggest Lie Ever

Why is "The da Vinci Code" so contradicted? Why the Christian Church made an attempt to accuse Dan Brown of heresy?
Now think. Are you sure the world was always ruled by men?
There's a historical proof telling us something quite opposite.
It was about 8 thousand years ago that matriarchy existed in a form of a civilised society, i.e. group of women, sharing goods and men between themslves. That was what one could call women's friendship, however it was more than merely friendship for them. In that society women were free to choose partners and had a domineering position, as were considered to be saint and were treated exactly like Goddesses.
A woman possesses capability to enter the world of dead, which is practically what the religion in the common sense is. A woman can unravel secrets of nature, can feel the connection with the Universe much better than a man, who can only get this feeling from Her.
Its not news that religion rules the world and the minds of millions. The one who keeps this religion and the cult has a great power over the wolrd. No wonder, men, with their natural instinct to win, possess and dominate, turned women in their property as they did with holy, in the times of women, animals. Now almost all the churches and temples are run and ruled by Men - a woman has to pray through Him. In Russian Orthodox Chruch She is not admitted to enter certain parts of the church only because She is a Devil, bringing evil into His life. In the Bible a Woman is not a human being, she is compared to an animal who is sent on Earth by God to satisfy a man. Inhuman?
At least they had their reasons for that.
What would you do with someone immensely powerful who menaces you? Kill him? Maybe not, although Constantin did that also. You would deprave him of that power, which is quite logical in such a situation. But what did men do to us (me and other women)? Turned us into slaves and prostitutes. And that was what happened to Mary Magdalene who was actually married to Jesus and had a baby with him - she was turned into a prostitute by the Roman Emperor Constantin.
P.S. was thinkig a lot about our role in the society after watching the film and realised that its not feminism what it should be called - its power, which we unfortunately never use.

murr?

Roma (a brother) returned from Turkey yesterday night. I couldnt help moaning about my unhappy existance here: he looked so tanned, athletic and vitaminised! Oh Gosh, i want to be somewhere where it doesnt snow at all! He brought me a package of sweet Turkish delight which I missed a lot since I last went to Turkey myself. In addition to the Turkish delight I had cookies and choco-banana bread cooked by Ryan.
So my Sunday was SUGARY!!!!!!!!
I just wish I were having a proper rest somewhere in the sun/sea. Hopefully, will be getting it soon.

relaxed and inspired

Went to see mom at a hospital brought her a bunch of flowers and her favourite cookies - spent all my recently earned tuition money on it. She was obviously excited to see me and didnt want to let me go for 2 hours:) Its so easy to put a smile on someone's face! Besides, thinking of others is the best way to forget about my own sufferings which dont seem that unbearable anymore. Just on the contrary, taking care and thinking of someone else distracts you from anything not worth thinking of.
Wednesday and yesterday were the two most productive days of this week, practically didnt waste any time - love myself for being hard-working at times. Wish were hard-working every day of my life - makes me want to live and create!
(advise everyone to visit this: www.colinandkero.blogspot.com - two gay guys from Singapore enjoying their love and writing about their relationship)

My Love

Here's my love, my passion, my friend and my happiness.
Today after a long break I went horse-riding again and decided to share my joy and post his picture.
It was the most wonderful ride I ever had in my life: I felt every moment spent with him took me higher and made me want to fly as a bird, weightless and careless.

A nightmare

had scenes of deaths of my relatives and friends and crowds of terrifying cockroaches crawling up on me and surrounding me everywhere in my nightmares recently... last night had a real nightmare in a hospital where was brought by "Emergency Ambulance" which arrived in 40 min after a call. I've read somewhere that if such things happen it means I am in the dissonance with mother nature and the Moon. But what am I doing wrong?

Le Temps Qui Reste VS. Homophobia or vice versa?

le temps qui reste is a piece of art, or at least a piece of artistic interpretation of homosexual LOVE, which has its right to exist, as well as heterosexual love does. However when discussing the film, in a group of people sincerely interested in cinematography, I realized that men trying to oppose themselves against homosexuals, seemed completely ignorant in the sphere of love and its free expression. Moreover men, under the pressure of women's delight after the scenes of touching gay sexuality, felt their incapability to prove their opinions and were absolutely unable to give a reasonable background for their homophobia which was quite evident.
I still cant make it clear for myself: what frightned them most - watching two men kiss or realizing that women find it artistic and beautiful?
After an hour of all those men's phobias predominating logic and reason, I decided to leave with my, maybe too pathbreaking or frightening, but still my attitude to those of us who create absolutely new and therefore so hard to accept view on life.
(Melvil Poupaud - the source of my inspiration and the actor who has turned death into the process of enjoyment - is on the picture on the right)

a piece of home

psychological improvement

However hard life is, this week was suprisingly inspirational and I managed to spend at least the beginning of it without wasting time on unimportant things which are not related to my university work or my hobbies.
I suppose, it was the 2 months school practise that affected me so much. I could hardly stand the school atmosphere itself. Well, that's explainable: being in the same room with teachers yelling not only at their pupils in an irritating manner but also trampling on inspiring teachers' self-respect, convincing them they lacked teaching skills and could not be allowed to step on the schoolground.
Well, thank God, thats all over and now the dream of the past few months has come true and I'm again surrounded by people appreciating my knowledge and personality. Must say, my department is by far the best one, and people studying with me form a special community of those who I am totally happy with!
Speaking of which, yesterday went to see Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho with an old friend, who takes part in any activity connected with art, i.e. round tables, discussions, poetry evenings and new stage plays.
I didnt get that much impression from Psycho as a horror film, as the conclusion was easily predictable. So it all turned into a comedy for me. BUT, even after leaving the cinema hall and walking down the street I was still captivated and a bit terrified, so when a young man in a hood walking before me suddenly stopped and looked around I felt a cold stroke of horror in my chest and ran away. That shock was produced only by the look that Anthony Perkins, playing the main role of a psycho-killer, possessed. I have discovered a new interesting personality whom you might have discovered long ago.
Anthony Perkins had an interesting life, which was cut short by pneumonia caused by AIDS in the year of 1992. After long 9 years of grief and sorrow his wife Berry Berenson who wanted to be closer to Anthony was going to New York to visit his grave on the day of his death (September the 12th). It happened that trying to get closer to her beloved she couldnt even imagine she could be that close... She was one of the passengers on the first plane to strike the World Trade Center on 9/11.
It didnt let me calmly sleep at night. I was so inspired that I thought that that was the kind of death that I would prefer for myself.

Words, Wide Night - Слова

Somewhere on the other side of this wide night
and the distance between us,
I am thinking of you.
The room is turning slowly away from the moon.
This is pleasurable.
Or shall I cross that out and say it is sad?
In one of the tenses I singing
an impossible song of desire
that you cannot hear.
La lala la. See? I close my eyes and imagine
the dark hills I would have to cross
to reach you. For I'm in love with you
And this is what it is like,
or what it is like in words.
(Carol Ann Duffy)

Далеко-далеко, по ту сторону ночи,
на большом растояньи
я в мечтах о тебе.
Лунным светом залитые очи
закрываются снова во сне.
Как приятно.
А может быть горько?
Как позволишь мне это назвать?
Мои песни в убогой каморке
не желаешь услышать и внять?
Я пою - лалала. Ты не слышишь?
Ну, пожалуйста, я же пою...
Закрывая глаза, я увижу те долины,
что во снах прохожу.
Я иду, спотыкаясь и плача,
и неровно шагаю - лечу!
Мое сердце разлуку оплачет,
но вернувшись, поставит свечу.
Я влюбленная, ты это знаешь,
но не сетуй на глупости слов.
Все слова - лишь беззвучные буквы,
очертания смутные из лунных снов.

Turns out

people can talk about sex and they lurrve(!) talking about their sex life! (well, at least with me - grin-) Evidently they enjoyed talking about it even more than I did and that was why we spent 3 hours in the Club instead of set limit of an hour and a half. I like to think I made them feel comfortable and relaxed so that they could share their opinions about sex/love and prostitution. Prostitution and sex boom were two mostly discussed things and I left the EA office feeling absolutely happy just as if all my dreams have fulfilled. They actually have: I can do what I like doing most of all in my life again - I can help people and make them smile.

S.E.X. + Soviet Union = a bad joke?

Probably!
Anyway, will find this out this Saturday in the English Club, bringing it up as a discussion about the most controversial/widely discussed topic: Sex and Society.
Post Soviet society may have interesting points of view. Am ready to listen to theirs and share mine. I'm curious if anything has changed since the beginning of the 90s. With all that Cosmo/Playboy rush, it could have changed, but how? What is the modern Russian attitude to the animal instinct: if its still the same, reserved or maybe not?
Considering the fact people usually prefer to share personal information with friends, so I want to know if young people talk about sex with their parents. I know quite a lot of those who never talked about their sex life and never want to bring it up in a conversation with parents.
I suppose one of the most controversial topics will be gay sex and gay love. Do they have a right to love in Russia?
The main question of this discussion is however: Can people talk about Sex freely or it is still a taboo?
Promise to post the results later!

Russian contrudiction

its not even a secret that Russians contradict themselves. Every time! Every day!
Went to see the world-famous Russian ballet dancers yesterday, enjoyed their unique style of dancing, known as the Russian School of Ballet. Was surprised to see some of less praised than Ilse Liepa dancers who also partcipated in the performance and did their best!
There was a very gifted girl who outshined even the Ilse. She was marvellous permorming a passionate Eastern lover and an exquisite black swan from the Swan Lake. I loved her plastic and the way she could feel the music and express it in her dance.
Liepa was as beautiful and gracious as a wild doe in her silk dress highlighting her plastic and flexible body which, as it seemed, had a life of its own, so that her passion expressed on the stage looked so natural and captivating.
But, staging of Mozart's Requiem was the best thing I'd ever seen in my whole life! I was bewitched and completely absorbed by a young man doing all the impossible pas, and was puzzled if he got so much power from his red tight ballet wear, from the audience or from the music, or was it in himself that made the concert hall stant still?
Right after the performance on the way home still impressed and having that sweet aftertaste in my body, had to face the reality of the Russian Life, i.e. streets filled with drunkards and their wives moaning around apologizing for nothing taking them home by hand destined to listen to their usual cursing.
Why? How? How is that possible in the country of the HIGHEST culture, in the country of ballet and music, in the country where everything is filled with poetry?

Spring is in the air!

After 3 or even 4 coldest months of waiting ever the SPRING is coming!
Yesterday was the 1st day of Maslenica, i.e. Maslenichnaya Nedelya, which basically means that people eat Russian pancakes bliny for the whole week until the very end of it. The highlight of the holiday will be on Sunday which is also called Proshenoe Voskresenie when everyone asks for forgiveness and eats bliny with spoonfuls of caviar washing it down with vodka. Those who have seen Sibirskii Cirulnik or "The Siberian Barber" know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Its an old Russian tradition!- we like to exclaim here. It all ends up the next day when the post (fast) starts. Maslenica means the end of winter and informally stands for the beginning of desirable spring. Its my favourite holiday and not only because I have a sweet tooth and adore Russian Bliny but also because, to my mind, its the only True Russian Holiday preserved since the old times when all people lived and celebrated it in villages. It still has the same flavour and the same idea which makes it extra special and loved.
Apart from lots of food to eat and lots of Vodka to drink we have all kinds of true Russian entertainments like going around the city in a troika (a team of three horses tied together), singing/dancing in a crowd of people, riding in snowmobile along the Volga river and burn the dummy represanting the winter which is also an old Russian Tradition. One of the most important conditions of spending the holiday accurately in the old Russian style is being out celebrating it, better with friends (the more friends the better!)
Have fun cooking bliny either this Saturday or Sunday! If you'd like a recipe I'd be glad to post one.
I also like this time of the year because of holidays going in a row. Although St Valentine's isnt really our holiday and the Orthodox actually have their own love holiday in July its still very nice to have it accepted and celebrated here. I personally enjoyed it a lot and am very thankful to someone special who has made that day very special and unforgettable:)
We also have two the so-called gender-holidays. There's one celebrated on 23d of Feb which is the so-called Men's Day (although originally its the day of Krasnaya Armiya establishment) and another one is the 8th of March which is the Women's Day (its also of some Soviet origin somehow connected with Russian feminism).
Love holidays!
Am looking forward to the time when snow will melt finally and I wont have to dress up like a snowman:( or even worse a snowwoman:(( Wish me luck and patience!

...puzzling...

If we all are the same, why are we so different then? We're of the same biological background, roughly speaking of the same social background, having almost the same value judgements, right? Then why do we differ in such things as attitude to each other? Why do we understand certain things differently and let this misunderstanding lead to the war of the worlds? And how can we shift these differences empoisoning our lives?Is it worth talking about after all?
But there's something even more important in this question: why does it happen that there's a person of a completely different social/racial background having absolutely different value judgements who surpringly enough understands us better than anyone else?

Viva la Musica!

Gosh! I'm in a summer mood right in the middle of the coldest winter that I've ever had in my life. That's simply amazing to be all smiley and dance-like when people around freeze with cold as stone dissatisfied face expressions. I only laugh and green at them when they try to convince me there's either no fun nor happiness midst the winter time. I feel like dancing every time the sun rises and goes down. The days are getting longer, gradually its getting warmer (well if you consider -28C is a good sign!) - are these not signs of the coming spring yet? Well, at least its already spring in my heart that makes me dance every time I hear a spanish song. It makes me think of days when I used to dance for hours not because I was freezing while waiting for public transport/taxi/friend.
What else can I add? Bailamos!

Is there life on "Mars"?

“Brrrrr” has been the only sound you could notice people to produce on the European territory of Russia for the past week. Well, provided you could find at least a single human being walking in the street. Most of people here thank God for giving them a place to live and warm up.
It’s been exceptional coldness in the European part for the past 20 years at least. Well, I don’t myself remember such a cold winter for the whole time I’ve lived here, which has been my whole life actually. From the phone conversation with my uncle I learnt that last time the temperature went down to negative 43 was in 1985, the year I was born. He also told me that the day it was -43 he went hunting!
The weather forecasts don’t seem optimistic at all. They say, it’s going to stay this cold for the next week too! To be specific, on Monday it was “warm” – about negative 25, but I could stand it and even got to the town centre almost alive, though my nose was going to leave me halfway. A note: negative 25 in the European part where I live is the maximum coldness I personally can bear, when I can intermediately go out to a store or to walk the dogs.
On Wednesday the temperature went down to negative 30-32, and severely blowing wind appeared. Humph. Fine. On Thursday night it was negative 40 and today it was 35-37 plus the wind.
Well, if you think that I’m complaining about the weather, you may be right, because it's ruined all the plans about going out to meet with some of my friends, have my trainings at the sport centre located in another part of town, or simply going shopping, which I’ve been dreaming about for the whole month! Plus my poor nephew’s still waiting for me to come and “sit” (he wont let me sit anyway ;) ) with him, as for these two frosty weeks I have my winter holidays!
Yesterday, I learnt from the news that there were 3 people without a specified place of living who got frozen in houses’ basements, which are their most favorite places to spend nights. As far as I understood, different social organizations are now working on accommodating such people in specially organized buildings. Bad news on the whole, but hopefully this people wont have to wait for the help to come as long as they had freezing in the Atlantic ocean after the Titanic shipwreck.
The Russian Government seems to be full of either comedians or fools; I haven’t worked that out yet. So, obviously none of them expected temperatures to fall down “dramatically” on practically the entire territory of Russia. Well, they actually meant especially cold times in the European part, but taking in consideration the fact thar the rest of Russia are Siberia and Yakutiya, where winter temperatures are always “dramatically” low (negative 40-50 is all right for them), it's now wonder our heating and electric systems work on their maximum. There have been a few accidents with heating in Siberia, if I’m not mistaken. So, our desperate government has not been prepared for such a "blow". There’re two main questions we always try to solve: “Whose fault is it?” and “What to do?” Well, I don’t want to sound sarcastic, but the way they solve heating problems expresses the whole idiocy and incapability to rule the coldest/biggest country in the world. I’m talking about our governor, who swam in the ice hole with a bottle of cognac yesterday. That was all because of his bet with another governor who did that the day before but without a bottle of something heating his blood. It all seemed so stupid to me. What did they try to prove? They probably think they’re supermen now having the whole country watch them in their swimwear running to and jumping right in the ice holes! Do they hope to awake a common sense of inspiration, or do they simply try to attract people’s attention to their ugly freezing lard and share their “optimism” instead of having the heating system work and share their loot money with the rest of the country crying and moaning with their breast children sleeping in temperatures slightly above zero?
If you go out you wont notice any cars around, there’s only public transport and a few taxies. My father and brothers had quite a problem with starting their cars, so nowadays there’s only one possible way to get somewhere – public transport, which is a rare thing now just like passengers in that public transport. Ordering a taxi beforehand is also a way out but it doesn’t work that well, as there’s a problem with starting an engine. For example, today in the morning my brother was late for a meeting because he was waiting for his taxi ordered beforehand for an hour!
The whole cold winter thing drives me crazy! I’m an active “out”-like person and staying at home 24/7 is too much! I feel like I’m in a prison, and the only possible way of communication with the outside world is the telephone. Thanks Alexander Bell, now my days are not so alike and savourless, and I have something to talk about.
Well, spending the whole two weeks of winter vacation in sitting at home like way is not the dream of my university life, but being an optimist, I get the most of it: reading Dostoevsky’s “Brothers Karamazov”, writing my course paper, doing all kinds of cleaning/washing, learning to cook from what I have in the fridge, which is quite a problem, as going to the store doesn’t seem to be that exciting;) and finally preparing parents, especially mom, for going to all kinds of birthday parties.
Besides, I’ll definitely have something to tell my grandchildren about in “It was long time ago when you granny was a young girl, just like you’re now…” way.
Have someone to make you warm and stay warm inside whatever the weather is like outside.

мои стихи - моим друзьям

Друзья, специально для тех, кто периодически ил пожизненно sprechaet по-русски, я решили написать/посвятить свои стихи, и вы, безусловно, знаете, кого именно я имею в виду:)

Здесь я попыталась собрать мои самые любимые стихи для самых любимых друзей и подружек:
В пепельно-белых кроссовках
В старой потертой избе
Жизнь меня вновь заключила
Ключ снова вверив тебе.
Холод, железо оковы
в мою впивается плоть.
Ты, как безумный сторож,
их крепко и туго зажмешь.
Блеск твоего острого взгляда
как пуля сквозь сердце пройдет.
Мне холод и вечную сладость
оставит навеи твой лед.

Это, как некоторые знают, одно из моих самых любимых стихотворений, в частности и потому. что написано оно было в поезде, направляющемся в Лондон. Лондон - одно из самых потрясающих мест, где я когда-либо была, и я хочу посвятить эти строки Лондону за его сдержанную красоту.

Возвращаясь к английской тематике, хотела бы добавить, что существуют потрясающая поэтесса Carol Ann Duffy, чьим творчеством я восхищаюсь. Я даже взяла на себя смелость перевести одно из моих самых любимых стихотворений Valentine. Вот что получилось:

Валентинка

не красную розу, не сердце из шелка,

а лук я дарю -
Луну в облачении жесткой бумаги,
тот свет, ускользающий снова во тьму.

Бери.

И лук ослепит тебя слезами счастья,
раскроет тебя...

Так? Ведь я же правду говорю?

Не милой открытки ванильные ноты -
Я дарю тебе Лук.

Его поцелуй обжигающе-страстный
есть отпечаток того, что в сердце храним
сейчас и навеки.

Возьми его.

И желтые кольца его мы
с радостью детской в обручальные превратим.

Лук, рассекающий души,
разрезаешь ножом.

Счастья вам и любви!
Надеюсь, эти стихи вам пришлись по душе и вы захотите вновь прочесть нечто подобное.

about a lonely lion and his grey beard

It's a story about a lonely lion with a grey beard.
It's a story about the lion that performed in a circus and was imprisoned there by the circus director, who simply "used" him as people often do with those who "belong" to them.
It's necessary to mention that the circus director treated him quite well and was a very generous, but it does not make any difference since he has a "property", because owning means being selfish in one's wishes. And that's the way he was.
When the lion was still young and energetic he dreamt about freedom and fighting for it. He dreamt about a pretty female-lion and their little lions playing on the meadows in Freedom.
But as it usually happens the dream is just a dream. And as it always happens the external circumstances do not let us make our dreams come true.
Years passed and the lion was still imprisoned in the circus remembering about his vague dream while producing all those impossible acrobatic feats he didnt fit for anymore and travelling with the circus cast thrown in a jail. He was very unhappy. He lead the life that he didnt want to lead. It was not his "model" of living. It was someone else's. Why did he have to surrender?
Why didn't he run away from the circus? Maybe he was too devoted to the director? Maybe he simply did not know HOW to make his dream come true and was afraid of staying ALONE?
At least he had his meals and his own cage where he spent rainy/snowy nights in a company of severe winds and bare trees with their foliage falling down in the cage.
One day, when the lion's beard went grey and his energy went down, the circus went bankrupt, the director let out the lion. He left him all ALONE. ALONE. ALONE... with his dreams... that came true too late.

Or, maybe, it's never late to have your dreams come true even if it's too late, even if you have no more time left to enjoy them, if you're no longer young and cannot run and jump and have a young female-lion with little lions around you?

(inspired by Tonino Guerra's script of an animated film shot by a RUSSIAN film director)

who said "Romans" cannot create?

In the course of my Ancient Greek/Roman Culture lessons my professor said once, that the Romans are mostly famous for conquering, i.e. stealing, what the Greeks had created. "That's quite true", I thought at that moment. My professor added: "What's the point in creating something of your own, if it's so easy to steal that something that has already been created?" At that I chuckled feeling a surge of pride for my ancestors.
Today is the day that changed my judgements about the modern "Roman" culture influence on the modern world in general and on Russia in particular.
What struck me most was that to make myself change my mind I didn't have to go either to Italy or to Moscow. It was here right in the centre of the place where I live.
I'm talking about the exhibition of Tonino Guerra's art. He's quite a famous person, especially famous for his skilfully written scripts for Federiko Fellini's films and for his friendship with one of the most outstanding Russian screen-writers and film directors Andrei Tarkovskii (he became extremely popular after his "Solaris"). What I liked most of all was my discovery about his immense love for Russia, for Russian people and for our culture, even for our weather, which is quite surprising for me! His wife is Russian and in the interview he mentioned the story of their acquaintance describing how white and gentle the snow falling on her face was. He's quite concerned about the fact of Russian uniqueness in every branch of culture and science. I fully agree.
The first thing that attracted my attention was his ability to make simple things seem complicated, as he believed, every simple thing in life, that we don't pay much attention on, is worth analysing and thinking over and over again until we can find the right place for it in the system. His photographs and films are full of twisted philosophy that is not that easy to understand and draw your own conclusions of. However, while viewing his works (including illustrations for Kama Sutra) and his projects (including the one of building and decorating a hotel with a restaurant "Tzargrad" in the historic centre of Yaroslavl which is said to be Italian)watching his films, one of which is dedicated to two young men playing tennis without either a racket or a ball, simply imitating it, and a crowd watching their play very attentively. And here's the question: who are you personally - a tennis player or a crowd indifferent member? Are you in or out of this game, called Life? Are you active or passive in it? Are you a puppet-theatre plaything?
Or maybe you're neither. Then who are you and what is your role in this puppet-theatre or maybe you're left out of it, forgotten?
I still have all questions rushing in my head. I only hope you can also think about them, because, no matter if you like such kind of art or not, it offers you a compelling proof for its right to exist.
You can find some pictures of "Tzargrad" decorations at http://www.cih.ru/tg/index.html